Harnessing Pleasure: The ABCs of Strap-On Intimacy

Join us as we explore the sensual and empowering world of strap-on intimacy. In this candid conversation, we sit down with the esteemed Sex & Relationship Coach Cherish Amber, a voice that resonates with authenticity and depth in intimacy coaching.

In this intimate interview, Cherish Amber, renowned for helping individuals and couples design their dream relationships, unpacks the complexities and joys of strap-on play. With over 15 years of experience and a heartfelt commitment to helping others rediscover connection, Cherish brings her expert guidance to our discussion on empowering lives and enriching bedrooms.

We delve into topics that range from the emotional aspects of strap-on intimacy to the technicalities of harness selection and usage. Cherish's approach to clarity, communication, consent, and connection provides invaluable insights for those looking to deepen their sexual experiences and understand the transformative power of shared pleasure.

Whether venturing into this territory for the first time or looking to enhance your current practice, this episode promises to educate and inspire. Get ready to challenge the myths, embrace the learning curve, and celebrate the diversity of sexual expression with Cherish's compassionate and informed perspective.

Take advantage of this enlightening discussion that promises to be both eye-opening

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Transcript

Dr. Stephanie: [00:00:00] You are listening to the Evolve Your Intimacy podcast with Dr. Stephanie, where it is my goal to educate, enlighten, and evolve your intimacy. You can find me at evolveyourintimacy. com to learn more about counseling, self study courses, sex, and the retreats that we have to offer. This show contains discussions about relationships, intimacy, and sex, and is meant for those who are 18 years and older.

Now sit back, relax, listen up, and get ready to evolve your intimacy. Welcome to Evolve Your Intimacy with Dr. Stephanie, and I'm Dr. Stephanie. Today we are going to delve into the facets of sexual health and Intimacy and the joys of exploring your sexuality. What we have today is we're venturing into a topic that's often misunderstood and sometimes even a little taboo, but it's incredibly rich with potential for connection and pleasure.

The proper use of strap [00:01:00] ons for intimacy. Some of the questions I get, but how do you navigate the complexities of introducing a strap on into your relationship? And what are some of the common pitfalls to avoid to ensure both you and your partner are having a rewarding experience? Well, stay tuned as we explore these questions.

We're going to debunk some myths and offer some practical advice for making your strap on play a fulfilling part of your intimate life. Stay tuned. Are you a clinician or coach looking to deepen your understanding of diverse relationship dynamics? Dive into the Clinician's Guide to Ethical Non Monogamous Relationships, Working with Clients with Alternative Lifestyles, The Essential Resource for Navigating the Complexities of Modern Relationships.

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Unlock the potential to revolutionize your approach and empower your clients. Visit EvolveYourIntimacy. com today to secure your copy and take the first steps towards evolving your practice. EvolveYourIntimacy. com Transforming the way we understand love.

You are listening to the Evolve Your Intimacy podcast with Dr. Stephanie, and I am Dr. Stephanie. Now let's get back to the show. Cherish Amber is a passionate advocate for pleasure, empowerment, self discovery, and And consent cherish is dedicated to helping couples reconnect, especially when facing challenges like long term disconnect or a sexless relationship.

She believes that amazing sex and deep [00:03:00] connection are at the core of every great relationship. Through her work, she guides individuals and couples to rediscover their desires and achieve profound intimacy. Cherish creates a safe, And inclusive space for everyone, regardless of gender or sexual orientation.

She empowers her clients to embrace their sexuality and build fulfilling, vibrant relationships. Cherish, thank you so much for joining us and welcome to the show. 

Cherish Amber: Thank you so much. It's a pleasure to be here with you today. Today we are talking about 

Dr. Stephanie: such a great subject. We are talking about strap on sex and why I wanted to talk about this is because I have so many clients who love the idea, but they don't know how to get started.

So I did some research found cherish Amber. She's also an educator on SDC guys. If you're not on sdc. com, that is a great way for you to connect with other swingers, [00:04:00] lifestylers. Even if you just want to learn more, you just want to sit back and watch it. They have lots of free education and anyway she's one of the educators on there just like I am and I fell in love with her when I was kind of snooping.

I'm not gonna lie, I was snooping and I have to have her on the show. So Cherish, tell us about you and how did you get started in all of this? 

Cherish Amber: Oh, great question. So yeah, I used to be in like high level management for a long time, so a lot of people work. And just for the pandemic, I had a bit of an epiphany and I realized that if people of all ages and genders could feel good enough and understand their own pleasure, they might be able to, or we might be able to support people to not experience some of the more shady parts of society.

So that was kind of like why I went on my Hellbent mission. I became a fully accredited sex and relationship coach. I came out as gay. And since, yeah, since then it's just been like a really incredible. Journey [00:05:00] into realizing the depths of how incredible I can support people to go with their sex life.

I am so passionate about sex, I've been passionate about sex for a very, very long time before I got my accreditation. So yeah, yeah, I know, right? And yeah, and so now I just, I just love the fact that people come to me. Quite a lot of the time. And they're like, feel like they're living in the shadows with their sex life, maybe they haven't had it for a long time, you know, they really want to explore different things or maybe they're arguing constantly or something, and they just like take a pun and.

Within like 10 or 15 sessions, they're like, We'll have to suspend your grades. And I'm like, I feel very grateful. I absolutely love my job. I couldn't love my job anymore if I tried. I feel very blessed to have a job that I love so much. 

Dr. Stephanie: I 100 percent agree with you. Girl, there are times I sit back and I'm like, Wow, this is my job.

I get to travel to all these exotic places and, and I get paid to [00:06:00] help people have better sex, better intimacy, better relationships. From what I've experienced, there's a downside to that too. You know, they say do what you love and you'll never work a day in your life. But when you talk about sex all day, every day, and you know, you teach about it.

But personally, I become desensitized to it. Have you experienced that a little in your, in your work, line of work? Have you become desensitized at all? 

Cherish Amber: I'm not in my personal sex life. I think sometimes I'm like, I help people to go to depths that they haven't, like they haven't been and, and sometimes I'm like, Oh, like a bit.

shocked and I feel that there's a little bit of distance. I'm like, why wouldn't, how come you haven't been there? Not judgment, just kind of like, because I just love how, how deep I've been. And I want to give that to other people, if you know what I mean. But I definitely find that there's like a disconnect between, I just go into work mode, right?

Like I'm just in work mode talking about sex. But the thing that I think helps [00:07:00] is that like, there's nothing you can say that shocks me. There's just nothing. And people are always like, I don't know if you find this, but with clients, they're like, like eyeing me up on the screen as I work on Zoom and they're like waiting to see if I'm like, Oh, great.

Dr. Stephanie: Cool. Yeah. No, great. Similar to you. I've been told everything as well, but also part of my doctoral program for my clinical sexologist degree, I had to go through this course called a SAR and we're there, we're required to watch all sorts of porn and be immersed in it. Kind of remove that shock factor from us and I mean, I'm sure that you're told a thousand things as well And after working for eight years with sex clients, I'm like, oh, okay that that's that's cool.

Thank I'm not gonna yuck your yum Thank you for sharing and they look at me like I've got a third eye or something because they want to be told That there's something wrong with them because that's what they've been told all along and so when we start giving permission for people to like their kinks and to explore their kinks and Let them know that they're accepted.[00:08:00] 

Sometimes they've never had that. And that is what's so absolutely powerful about what we do. 

Cherish Amber: Yeah, absolutely. And I had a, as part of my training, I had to look at like 200 images of vulvas and 200 images of penises. I think there was more, but about, and it's just, it's not desensitizing in a bad way, just like in a, like everyone's different, everyone looks, and there's not a single vulva on the planet that looks the same.

And not a single penis that looks the same and porn has fucked us up. We all have to look the same way, but they, we really don't. And that's what's so beautiful. And I love that. And As part of some, one of the webinars I did, I was talking about how, and you'll, you'll resonate with this is like people have got this image that if like the vulva is super tucked behind and the labia is really like small and everything's super petite that somehow sex is better.

And actually it's the opposite, right? Like. Larger surface area means more connection to the clitoris and the clitoral as, as a whole and more stimulation. So [00:09:00] it's like, I love those kind of like juicy titbits. 

Dr. Stephanie: Exactly. One of the classes I teach is called Pleasuring the Pearl and I love this play shop because I actually provide a mirror for the ladies who come in and the very first slide, yes, I'm a nerd, I do a slideshow, is this of hand are pictures of vulvas.

There's I think 20, maybe 50, I don't know, all these different vulvas. And I asked them to find what their vulva looks like up there. And it's so amazing because first off. I found that many women have never even looked at their vulvas, and number two, they think that there's something wrong with theirs.

And so the husbands and the partners are usually always blown away when I show them this wall of vulvas because they're like, Oh, well, mine is just as beautiful. I, I like it. You know, it doesn't look odd and having people [00:10:00] recognize that their normal is just liberating for so many women. When it comes to just teaching about strap on sex, you know, I've only worn one one time and it was very awesome and I loved every second of it.

It was fabulous. I want to do it again, but I really haven't had the opportunity because, number one, I work so much. I might try it when I try it when I go to Hedo in December, but everybody always asks. I know the clinical answers. I know clinical answers to a lot of things, but sometimes clinical answers aren't really good enough.

So I want to talk to you about some strap on sex. Now let's start with some common misconceptions about strap on sex and how do you address those when you work with others? 

Cherish Amber: Yeah, sure. So strap on sex myths are often around sexual orientation. So the thing I always say first and foremost is at the end of the day, your sexual preferences Do not change your sexual orientation.

You do, you decide that, right? You know, you can [00:11:00] be interested in same sex play. You can be interested in strap play. You can be interested in, you know, anything threesome swinging, and that doesn't make you queer. It doesn't make you gay. It doesn't make you anything. It just makes you, you. So. First and foremost, there's that.

Secondly, I would say that there's like this ex, expectation that it's super, like, duper kinky. Like that it is like only meant for people in dungeons or like torture chamber, torture gardens, and it's just not true, like pegging is some, one of the most exquisite things that, you know, couples can do if You know, if there's a willingness from both parties, then it's incredible.

If you, there's two vulva owners, like you can reach different levels of pleasure, you can get to the point, you know, how incredible to not have to worry about, you know, slowing someone down before ejaculation. Like you can still experience all of the [00:12:00] penetration, all of the things that you desire without having to worry.

Because. You know, with the, you know, it's no one's in charge of that sometimes, unless you've done a lot of tantric work, it's super hard to slow yourself down, you know, if you're experiencing, you know, long, deep thrusts of the same way, it's quite often, you know, quite happens to ejaculate. So that was always something that I talked to people about is like the levels of sensation and pleasure that you can get to using straps is enormous and they come in all different shapes and sizes.

And there's definitely this like, thought that it's a stereotype, so either kind of like a bitch lesbian or a gay man, like, and wanting to do DP and stuff, and it's just, it's just not right, it's just not, it's just not right, so. 

Dr. Stephanie: I have ladies who will come in and tell me, you know, my husband really wants me to wear a strap on and peg him, is he gay?

And my go to, because this comes from Jo Dr. Joe Quart, and he's one of my dissertation committee members, but he was also just a good friend of mine. And he coined this phrase, I think, I don't know. I'm pretty sure it was [00:13:00] him. Your anus does not have a sexual orientation. It has nerve endings and nerve endings like to be pleasured.

And I say that to a woman and they're like, Oh, so he's. It's not gay. It just feels good. And that's what it's all about. It's all about the pleasure. And once we remove that stigma, I find that my wives and my female, my vulva owners who are wanting to try with their husbands, they open up and they see that.

Okay, it's something that can enhance their intimacy. And then my next question is, what do I do? Like, what do I, what do they always ask, what do I do? And I ask them, well, what do you want to do? You know, we, we move on to that. But the myth that my partner must be gay if he wants to try that, is. Just absurd and you know like strap ons are only meant for lesbians I must be a lesbian if I want that and I get a lot of that too if it's what you want to wear a strap on that doesn't [00:14:00] mean that you're a lesbian or It doesn't mean that you want your partner to be a woman or that you're secretly gay a strap on does not have a sexual orientation So sexual orientations are in our head.

It's not it's in our brain, right? It's it's It's not necessarily our bodies. Our bodies like pleasure. Our body can react to it and gets turned on by things, but sexual orientation all stems from what's inside our brains and how we connect with our body in that way. Everything else is just physical.

Cherish Amber: Exactly. It's also really yummy to like, if we're talking about like people identify as men or people identify as males, so men. As a collective term when we're talking about that, it's also really nice for them to kind of play with that power, like the power, the dominance there's tends to be this like, you know, the stereotypical patriarchy has given men this kind of, Feeling like they have to be in charge.

And so to be completely in that vulnerability is really powerful. Like it's really exciting and yummy for people to experience that and to, to really give into that and allow that pleasure. And I think it, [00:15:00] it does definitely takes you know, a level of awareness and self awareness and, and real, like leaning into your own pleasure, which I think is incredible for everyone.

We are having such 

Dr. Stephanie: a great conversation with our guest today, but we have to take a really quick commercial break. But during this commercial break, it would be a great time for you to like, subscribe, or follow us on all of our social media accounts. By doing this, you get exclusive insider access to specials on merchandise and sexy equipment.

Oh, you know, you'll get a glimpse of Dr. Stephanie rockin their fun outfits. So what are you waiting for? So subscribe. Like or follow to evolve your intimacy on Instagram, Facebook, YouTube, Twitter, and TikTok today. I will see you online. Are you interested in learning more about the topics that we discuss on the show?

Head over to ASM Lifestyle Magazine, where you can read all the articles that I publish about relationships, intimacy, and sex. When it comes to the lifestyle and the adult industry magazines, Look [00:16:00] no further than ASN Lifestyle Magazine. They are the natural go to for everything lifestyle and adult content.

Get your free digital issue today at ASNLifestyleMagazine. com And if you have any questions, don't ever hesitate to ask Stephanie. Before the break, I love how you said that it allows them not to be the man. And I'm using air quotes as I say this very sarcastically for those of you listening, because society tells us Us or men that they're not supposed to enjoy strap on play and here we are as educators saying why not?

Why not? so can you talk about the importance of communication and consent in strap on sex and how a Partner should possibly approach their partner or partners if they're interested and what are some things that they can say? 

Cherish Amber: So first and foremost The thing that I try and talk to everyone about when we're starting to talk about strap sex [00:17:00] is that, and I'll do this in two parts, is that there are no sensations in the strap.

And it takes me quite a lot of time to explain that to people because. People who have penises will understand that there's sensation in it, so you can feel when you're getting too far in, you can feel when they're maybe not enjoying it, maybe when they're not wet enough, you can have, you have all of those sensations because it's at a part of your body, right?

When you're wearing a strap, there's no feeling, there's nothing, and you rely on just verbal communication. and physical expression. Like that's it. And that's really challenging sometimes. And I always talk about like doing a play session before you actually wear it, trying it on over clothes, like having loads of fun with it and getting really kind of like make a joke out of it because it's hilarious.

Right. It's so much, it's funny. And I'm not trying to make sex silly or comedic in any way, but it's like so much funnier when we laugh. Right. And we like [00:18:00] high five or something. So. First and foremost, I always talk about that because that's a super, that's one of the secret ingredients in this consent piece, right?

Because That's when we start to have to ask constant feedback. So I talk like 30 seconds to him every minute. If, if you're not getting obvious feedback, how does that feel? Does that feel good? Would you like it firmer, softer, faster, slower more, less? And in terms of coming back to one of the questions you asked about starting that conversation, I always recommend my call my clients to have weekly check ins and if you've got a sex question as part of that question, as a part of that, that's a great place to raise it.

But you know, sometimes like when you're watching TV on the couch with a glass of wine or a cup of something yummy, that's quite often a quite nice place to bring it up, like not to just spring it and, and to not take offense as with anything to do with sex, never take offense [00:19:00] when you start and you just be like, Hey, I've been feeling a desire towards a thing I've seen.

How would it be if we had a chat about it? And just remove any expectation to the best of your ability. Make sure you're feeling into what it feels like to receive a no. Be ready in case you do and just, yeah, go without any expectation or without any kind of I felt like hope's the biggest killer in relationships in a weird kind of way.

Like it's a really challenging one. So that would be how I'd recommend people to kind of. Start the conversation like, hey, yeah, I've I've had a feeling like I'd like to try this thing. Would you be up for having a conversation about it? And then create safety. So I'm a big fan of rituals. So light a candle, having a splash blanket, like a squirt blanket, a splash blanket, like that being your sexy space.

So just like creating a safe space for you to have the conversation about it. Hey. I would love to look at using a strap. How would that feel? These are the kind of reasons. Would you, you know, be willing to have look at some demos [00:20:00] or would you be willing to watch a video about it and that kind of thing and just go really slowly, they might say, yeah, absolutely.

A hundred percent. Let's go. And they might be like, Oh, I'm not sure. I hadn't thought about it. Just a really, really slow catch a monkey. So Yeah, really gentle no expectations as I've said a few times and consent is one of my absolute passion projects. And so there's loads of different ways to work around consent, but doing practices outside the bedroom would be my best way to talk about consent, especially around straps when there's less sensation, like I mentioned.

So like a nod or a shake game or like, what can I offer you now, is one of the practices I do, what can I offer you now, like, and then the receiver asks and you do this like for like five, 10 minutes each and yeah. Those kind of games just get consent like really, really, really high up in everyone's estimations and then yeah, go from there.

Dr. Stephanie: I love that you mentioned water squirt blankets sexy wet blankets. So just want to throw a [00:21:00] shout out to Top Waterproof Blankets. The T O P Waterproof Blanket. You can have all of those sweet. Juicy, sensual activities and not have to worry about sleeping in the wet spot. So if you've not checked them out, check out the top waterproof blanket.

That's T O P waterproof blanket on Amazon. Quick little shout out to them. So thank you for leading me right into that. And you said sexy consent games. I loved what you just said. You know, let's talk about the games. Let's talk about how to offer a variety of ways to open up some of those conversations.

So, talk to us about some of the games that you suggest. 

Cherish Amber: So, I have a couple of different varying degrees. I have, I have a video on this that's for swing nights to get you started on a swing event. Yeah, it's called Whet Your Appetite. Start by doing, what can I offer you right now? So, how can I touch you right now?

And you decide, I often say to flick a coin, but who wants to go first, so like no [00:22:00] one's necessarily taking the lead. And you ask, what can I offer you now every minute for for five to ten minutes, you decide on a timer. And the person feels into what they really, really want and then they will ask.

The, the only thing the giver can't do is like something that causes them pain, but for the most part they agree to do anything on the cards. I've had clients that wanted to be just rubbed with like a rubber glove because because the sensations of the fingers was too much. So that kind of thing.

And then you can dial it up a bit. So the given and starts touching the receiver in a way that they feel like they would like. And then the receiver can only say faster, slower, more, less, firmer, softer. Yeah. So they can always, they can always red, like red traffic light system. They can always safe word.

That's always on the cards, but it [00:23:00] means that the receiver is in charge and they're like playing with it and feeling what they want, like really like, okay. And. It's quite often challenging for people to go, I don't know what I want. So if they're already receiving touch and they're like, Oh, it would be nice if it was firmer, okay, so then they press firmer, it'd be nicer if it's faster, like, okay, great, or slower.

Oh, okay. And they're able to play with it. So it's more gamey, if that makes sense. They're able to like go, Oh, maybe, you know, I can try you speeding up, try slowing down and, and it's like a really build safety, it really builds this. Yumminess, and then the next one is nodding and shaking. So the person who's receiving, the person who's giving will look at the person who's receiving and just nod or shake or the other way around, and then the receiver can just go, aw.

And then they either change or slow down or speed up or whatever. So it can take things, people through a real journey of like receiving really verbal, then kind of less verbal, but [00:24:00] very like pressure orientated and then non verbal. And that kind of like gets things super juicy and super yummy. I would say that was like the leading in before you were even on Straps, but it's those kind of like games and those kind of things that are really building consent and being able to ask for what you want and being able to receive the no, as well as the, as the giver and being able to receive that kind of like constant feedback.

It just. Yeah, it really grows consent in this beautiful, safe, gentle way. 

Dr. Stephanie: Ooh, I can see you doing this way before we ever put a strap on. Because, you know, rejection, whether perceived or real, is, if you have something like rejection sensitivity dysphoria, a simple no may shut down the whole thing. So being able to say and accept that no before we have the strap on and before we're in this environment and we feel like we're, you know, trying to be sexy and try something new.

Ask the questions. Is this too hard? Is this too soft? What do you want? Because what we are doing is [00:25:00] conditioning them. And I love that. I love it. Every second of it. We've done this. We've talked about it. Me and my partner are ready. I've asked, we've played with consent, we've explored. And now, I'm able to say no when the day comes if it's something I don't want to do.

That space has been opened up to be able to say no. So I've created this yummy atmosphere and I'm going to continue to forever say yummy because that is so sexy to hear you say that. Just throwing that out there. But so, I'm going to I digress. The day comes. I've got my sexy atmosphere created. We're yummy.

We're ready to go. What do I do? What do I do next? 

Cherish Amber: So I will caveat and say there is always a step before what you just said. So, and it's really important. It's not just so to get ready for consent. So with straps, there are buckles, there are quite a lot of buckles. And so it's really important that you try it on before you're having sex because you need to get the buckles right.

You need to get [00:26:00] everything kind of like ready to go because there's nothing quite as not sexy as being like, hang on a second, like buckling yourself in because realistically you should be able to just step into the strap and do one buckle up. That's it. Okay. So having a session where you kind of play with it, where you play with putting it in, putting the dildo in, attaching it, because they all attach in different ways.

Not, there's only about three ways they attach, but it's like I'm sure 

Speaker 3: there's all different quirks too. Like if you have this toy with this strap, it might adjust a little bit different. 

Cherish Amber: Exactly. Yeah. So. Making sure that you're, yeah, you're comfortable with how it goes in, make sure it's clean and all of that kind of stuff.

So that's always like a big thing is like you have a session where if I was honest, I would have like yoga pants on or just underwear because it's just like understanding where things sit because a lot of straps, if you're a

Either side of your [00:27:00] lips, either side of your labia and it's great because you've got like easy access if you're not wearing underwear to have the play. A lot of straps have inserts for for vibrators. So, that's the one I wore was the vibrator one. Loved it. Loved it. I loved it. And I, I saw one a few weeks ago when I was getting ready for the webinar and I didn't really, if I'm honest, I didn't really know they existed.

I got quite excited. You can get one that's like briefs. And, or like, there's more study than briefs and they are DP for vulva owners. So there's one, I know, I'm buying this, where, where, where, where did you see it? I saw it on Love Honey, but I can't remember what brand it was. So what, yeah, so so vagina penetration, anal penetration and a strap on the front.

So like every hole is a goal in that one. It was great. So when you then come to the first session. I really, really recommend you kind of like having a gentle, [00:28:00] playful energy because everyone experiences some awkwardness the first time they actually put the strap on during sex. It just is there. And even if you've played with it before and you've got used to it and you've like, God, don't you know, and even if you make it super sexy and how you put it on, I don't know anyone that can put a strap on on sexily.

It's just not a sexy thing. Like you can slowly step into it and bring it up and you're, but you're still kind of looking at someone with a, like a, like a big fat dildo at the end, you know, like, that big. That height. Yeah. Right? I think. And if, depending on what, like, depending on what color you've gone for, you either got like this big pink thing, or you maybe got a unicorn horn on it, like, and it's just a bit of a thing, right?

Yeah. So just having like this playful, gentle energy next thing, absolutely. And it always, of course, with lots of these things goes without saying, but making [00:29:00] sure the receiver is so turned on, like, and if it's someone, if it's a, if it's a guy I really recommend doing a little bit of anal training beforehand.

Mm hmm. Unless you're going for a really small dildo on the first go. Like we just don't we don't over egg ourselves on the first couple of goes. 

Dr. Stephanie: I always highly suggest that you try some dilators. Some anal dilators, they're perfect. Maybe that you've played around with it, you know your limits.

Because again, these are nerve endings, guys. And yes, while it is going to be extremely pleasurable, when those nerve endings stretch really quickly, it can send like a sharp pain. in the beginning because it's like a jolt to your system. So you, if you're dilating and you're doing some anal training, which I didn't even know that was a thing until I met with a porn star who trains others on anal training.

Love it. Anyway, but until you've done that, and even if it's dilators, it could be [00:30:00] fingers, it can be smaller dildos. We need to build up to it. Make sure that you're doing that and you're building up so it's not that initial jolt in that almost feeling of a ripping feeling. I just, I don't want to say that, but it feels good, but it's also a shock to 

Cherish Amber: your system.

Really built up to it. And, and what I find is that Straps and pegging and that kind of thing is quite a fantasy for people and they will often have been thinking about it for quite a long time, maybe they've watched porn on it and what they end up fantasizing about, maybe they masturbate to it, is often quite big because it's that kind of like absolute domination, penetration, that kind of energy.

And I find that, yeah, kind of having beginner's mind and understanding that you absolutely can get there, you absolutely can get there, but just not yet, just take your time, start small, do anal training, use dilators, use different size butt [00:31:00] plugs. Walk around with a butt plug all day if you really want to like that's really pleasurable and not a lot of people that do that but just yeah when you start with a strap because you're receiving from someone again and I know I keep like really chasing this one home but like you're receiving pleasure from someone who can't feel what's going on inside of you so can't feel how tight it is can't feel the resistance very well they can only feel how tight it is Like against their body, what you're doing and verbally, especially if, you know, the person who's receiving is on their front on all fours, which I wouldn't necessarily recommend on the first go.

So it's like sometimes being propped up on a pillow on their back with their knees pulled up. Great way to start, but it's a little bit confronting for people, but it means that the person who's giving can see the person's face. And it's like, they can have a little bit more of a dialogue. They can have some conversations, but it's just getting the angle right.

But so yeah, for men or penis owners, anything with their knees pulled up to their chest, kind of [00:32:00] moved out slightly is a really, really great anal penetration kind of beginner's pose.

Dr. Stephanie: Let's just remind everyone that this is Evolve Your Intimacy, and I am Dr. Stephanie from Evolve Your Intimacy. We are having an amazing discussion, but we need to take a quick break, so stay right there and we'll be right back. Do you want to be on a ship with over 6, 000 wild and naked friends? Drop an anchor in exotic countries?

Explore all the sexiness the world has to offer. Come join me, Dr. Stephanie, on the next Bliss Cruise and allow me to personally guide you to better sex in my play shops, workshops, and private couples sessions. I invite you to come and let your wild and sexy desires become a reality on the next Bliss Cruise.

To learn where we are selling next, visit evolveyourintimacy. com backslash cruises. I can't wait to see you there. You [00:33:00] are listening to the Evolve Your Intimacy podcast with Dr. Stephanie and I am Dr. Stephanie. Now let's get back to the show. Let's talk lubrication. Our anuses do not self lube like a vagina does.

So what do you suggest for making sure it's thoroughly lubed? 

Cherish Amber: I say you think about like a palm full of lube, like a palm full. Like, and people are always like, sorry. And I'm like, no, I want you to like, up here. Actually, I want it, I want a mound on your hand, like whipped cream. Right. And then use that before you've even touched anything, lubricate the entire of the anus, lubricate the whole of the dildo, and then lubricate your hands as well.

And people are like, it's so much mess. That's why you get a splash blanket. It's a top waterproof blanket. Every time. And then I would say water based lubes as a first and foremost are my absolute [00:34:00] favorites. Oil based lube If you're not using condoms, it's great, but they have been shown to be a little bit of an irritant to the to the anus, so just play with it gently before you've actually started the strap.

Water based lubes are my absolute favourite. You can get anal lubes, which have a slight relaxing sensation, but for your first time, I'd go against, I'd always like, advise against them. I'd also advise against things like poppers to kind of relax your anus for the first time because you need to get a sense, you need to get a feeling for what you like if it feels good.

You know, like we are, again, it's all about like not pushing your limits too hard, like not doing anything, you know, not, not going all in on the first go, like we slowly, slowly catch a monkey. So yeah. Um, silicone lubes, space lubes are going to start to affect dildos. So. Kind of avoid against those and, and whilst we're on the kind of product line, always make sure you've got toy cleaner to hand [00:35:00] close by.

It's a just easy spray, but it's a super, it's much quicker process than when you come out and you're like, Oh, and then you have to maybe go to another. Bathroom, whatever, and it's all fine, but yeah, and I'm sure we're going to get onto like, hygiene, anal hygiene before that, but yeah, like, that's always, always a bit of a thing, just like, having everything set up before you start, you've got your lube, you've got your toy cleaner you've got like, condoms if you're using them on the dildo, if that's your, if that's what you've decided to do, like, those kind of things.

Well, you just led me to my next 

Dr. Stephanie: question, anal hygiene. What is it? How do we do it? What's the best practice? Why? What do you share? What do you say? Transcribed Talk to us about what you tell your clients about anal hygiene. 

Cherish Amber: I actually am a fan, personally, of very gentle anal douching before before ass play.

The water should be body temperature and no warmer. So I like, no cooler than body temperature, sorry. Definitely not body temperature, but not cold because that can make all your muscles contract. So, [00:36:00] and you can buy you can buy douches online. They're about 10, so not super expensive. And then you just gently insert an eye and, and you can do it in the shower or the bath.

But you can also do it in the toilet and you just like, put it up there, sit down and then everything comes back out. And I recommend it about two or three times. Don't use any chemicals, don't over douche and please don't use any shower attachments that you can get because there's too much pressure and Any kind of damaging of the lining, you'll know, Dr.

Stephanie, but any kind of damage in the lining leaves you more susceptible to infection, to bacteria, to just things we don't want. So, yeah, but yeah, I find that it's a really great way to just make sure that you are ready down there. But actually. What I also recommend to people is just getting really, like, okay with the fact that you're gonna see some poo.

Like, shit happens. It really does. Shit happens, right? It's gonna be, it's probably [00:37:00] gonna be in the toy, maybe it's gonna be in your finger, whatever it is, like. And my biggest, like, invitation to people is, if you're the giver and that happens to you, just take a moment and imagine what it would be like if you had that, like, we don't give anyone shame, we just, we go, hey, should we jump in the shower together?

Like, before we do anything else? Or, hey, like, why don't we get washed up and then we can start again or something, right? And. Comedic note, the second that lube touches water, it becomes a slip and slide. I'm jealous. I was in the shower the other day like, 

Dr. Stephanie: having so much fun, I was like, this is so much fun.

So when I first started learning about anal douching, I went to a gay friend of mine and if you ever want a comedy show, find a very flamboyant gay man that you love and we'll just open up to you and ask him how to anal douche. I think I laughed so hard I peed on myself that day because of course he didn't do it in front of me But he showed me what he did and this [00:38:00] man.

I love him to death. I Died right what he did was he got down on all fours and he started shaking his body up and down like you know Cat cow type thing and he was like, I'm just mixing it all up getting it all shook up on the inside And then he goes he says and then I go to the bathroom and I sit down and I let it out and then I do it again.

He's gyrating, he's shaking and it's just, it's, I can't, I can't with this person, but he was like, all you have to do is you just keep, you keep going until the douche is clear and you know, it might be one or two times, it might be five times, but just keep going. He told me. We all have folds in our anal cavity and no matter how much we think we're cleaning, there's always going to be some residue left and that's okay.

And so once I heard him say that, and of course his comedy show of how he did it, I was like, yes, I think I'm ready. I'm ready. I want to talk to you now and kind of switch gears about, you know, the lube. Do you, what are your thoughts on the injector lube for the [00:39:00] anus? You know, do you use that? Do you recommend that?

I think it 

Cherish Amber: can 

Dr. Stephanie: be. Good. 

Cherish Amber: I think it can be good. I'm, I, I work with an organic lube company and I'm like a bit of a, a bit of a one for making sure it's organic because I just feel like it's, you're going internal. Like we aren't, we aren't external anymore. We can't just wash that stuff off, right? So. I'm a big fan for making sure that it's like good quality lube.

If you can guarantee it's good quality, but you can guarantee it's organic, FDA certified, you know, all of those things, great, just a little bit. Because as you come back out, you're going to want that lubrication on the way back out. But you can overcome it by, as you're going in, like using the lube.

Each time, so move in, squirt around the around the rectum, go in, squirt. Yeah, yeah. So that would be my invitation is either like, yeah, [00:40:00] organic. Yeah, I don't know if enough I want to recommend anything that's not organic. 

Dr. Stephanie: I agree with you, organic is always best, but I do want to throw this disclaimer out.

Sometimes it can say organic and unfortunately they're not. So please do your research on these companies, but there are a lot of really, really great companies out there that provide some really stupid, Sexy, great quality lube. So as we begin to wrap this up, aha, pun intended, tell me, do you recommend any brand or any type of strap on for those just beginning?

Is there a specific thing that they should look for or over others when they're purchasing their first one? It's like, do you have any feedback for that one? 

Speaker 3: I agree with you. I agree because, and also it can stay organic. Unfortunately, and please do your research because there are companies out there, but you know, there are great companies that have amazing lube that, that will be great for you.

Speaker 4: Yeah. So [00:41:00] as we begin to wrap up, huh, pun intended. 

Speaker 3: Tell me, do you recommend any brand or any type of strap on for those just beginning? Is there any specific thing that you think that they should look for over others when purchasing 

Speaker 4: their first one? Yes. I would say, 

Cherish Amber: move away from the kind of webbing, that like polyester type thing.

You want something that's really comfy, so suede or leather, because you want it to feel super yummy. If you are a woman, you probably want a thicker back like a thick back band Okay. Because It just allows for more kind of like, feel, sensation and ability to thrust. So you've kind of got more control over it.

The ones with thinner bands can be a little bit of a challenge to kind of like, especially if you've got any kind of curves. So having a thicker band is really great. I would say [00:42:00] that the ones where the dildo kind of sits behind the strap, so it goes in through the strap and then into the ring is great to start off with because you've got again, more feeling, more sensation, more ability to maneuver in the right kind of way.

Skin too my favorite for a suede one they do one if especially like I should have got it. Actually, I would have got it. I'm sorry. I've got it. I've got it tucked away in my work stuff. But. They've got a really like feminine one, which I really, really love. So yeah, it's super like it's bright, hot pink suede is my favorite.

And then Shush Women's Store is an incredible brand. They are based in the UK. But they do like whole sets, which I really recommend for first timers. So you get a box, you get the strap, you get the dildo, you get toy cleaner, you get the biggest bottle of lube you've ever seen, and it all comes together in a box.

It's super lovely. So I really, really recommend that [00:43:00] as well, because then you don't have to worry about all the things we've spoken about. All of their they make their dildos themselves. They make everything themselves. So the dildos fit directly into the strap. And it's just a really soft, yummy leather to start off with.

So yeah, always a great starter kit. 

Dr. Stephanie: All of the fun stores that Cherish has told us about will be linked in the show notes. So give it a check. Give it a, give it a gander, see what you like. And Cherish, I want to thank you so much for spending the morning with me. I know it was a bit of a difficult morning with our camera difficulties, but I appreciate you sticking with me.

And guys, if you have not checked out Cherish Amber, Cherish, tell them where they can find you. So I am cherishamber. 

Cherish Amber: com. I am the cherished amber on Instagram, and I'm also on LinkedIn quite a lot, which I'm cherished Amber coaching because I like, love to speak to other business owners on there. So yeah, dive on in and yeah, it's been an absolute pleasure being on today.

Dr. Stephanie: I appreciate you and guys, check her out. If you're a member of SDC, you can check her out there as well. She does webinars, educational seminars, and [00:44:00] if you're not a member of SDC, you can get a free trial three months from my website. Just go to the affiliates tab and it's on there as well. That was such a wonderful interview.

Thank you guys for listening. I want to really quick follow up with a few myths and kind of normalize that. So a myth is strap on sex is only for lesbian couples. Guys, in reality strap on sex can be enjoyed by people of any sexual orientation and gender identity. It's an activity that heterosexuals, gays, lesbian, bisexual, queer couples, as well as.

Non binary and trans. Everybody can explore it. So it doesn't mean anything. It just means you're having fun. Another myth is real men don't enjoy being penetrated by a strap on. We talked about this earlier guys. Your ass does not have a sexual orientation. So pleasure is personal experience and is determined by You.

It is not determined by anything else. Men, regardless of sexual [00:45:00] orientation, may enjoy a strap on due to the stimulation of the prostate or for the psychological thrill of role reversal. So, give it a try. Number three myth. If heterosexual women enjoy strap on sex, she must secretly wish her male partner was a woman.

In reality, she Sexual activities do not necessarily reflect an individual's sexual orientation or desires. So having strap on sex is about the pleasure that comes from the activity itself and the closeness that it's going to bring your partner and it doesn't mean that you wish your partner were was a different gender.

Myth number four, strap on sex is painful and uncomfortable for the receiver. When it's done with care and consent and the proper preparation, like we've talked about, ample lubrication, and yeah, strap on sex can be very enjoyable for the receiver. Pain usually comes from, any pain that you feel or you experience usually comes from insufficient lubrication, lack of communication, or just [00:46:00] not really kind of building up to it.

Remember, go slow. Myth number five, using a strap on is an attempt to write back. Replicate heterosexual sex. Strap on sex is unique. It's a sexual experience that doesn't necessarily aim to mimic any sort of thing, heterosexual intercourse included. It can involve a variety of dynamics. It's a valid form of sexual expression in its own right.

Number six, strap on sex doesn't require any special skills or knowledge. Whoa. Just like any other sexual activity, strap on sex can be enhanced with knowledge. Practice and skill. Try it on. We've talked about the importance of trying it on before, learning how to really use and manipulate the tool that you're going to be strapped into, and always make sure that you have that consideration for safety, comfort, and then also in pleasure, right?

Myth number seven, last myth that I, I thought of was only the receiver gets pleasure from [00:47:00] strapped on sex. The giver does not receive any physical stimulation. While the giver may not receive direct genital stimulation from some of the strap ons, many harnesses are designed to stimulate the the wearer as well, right?

The giver can get very much significant psychological and emotional pleasure from the act of giving and wearing a strap on. I don't want you guys to not try it just because you've heard these myths. Guys, strap on sex is sexy, it is fun, and is definitely worth giving it a try. Everything we've talked about today will be included in the show notes, so give it a try.

Check it out. And let us know. I mean, you can email her, you can email me. If you have questions, we are here for you. And my best advice is to just give it a try and don't be scared. And again, thank you. I appreciate you spending some time with us and I hope that we get to chat again soon. Thank you for taking time out of [00:48:00] your busy day to listen to my show.

I am Dr. Stephanie with evolve your intimacy and remember you are not in this alone and we are definitely here to help. You can learn more about all the amazing things that we do at evolve your intimacy. com and if you subscribe to our newsletter, you will receive free resources monthly to help you evolve your intimacy.

Thank you again and have a great night!