Breaking Chains: Tilly Storm on Overcoming Religious Shame

Join host Dr. Stephanie on the "Evolve Your Intimacy" podcast as she delves deep into the profound and sensitive topic of overcoming religious shame with the insightful Tilly Storm. In this enlightening episode titled "Breaking Chains," Tilly Storm shares her personal journey and strategies for breaking free from the chains of religious shame and guilt. Through candid discussions and empowering insights, listeners will gain valuable perspectives on navigating the complexities of religious conditioning, fostering self-acceptance, and embracing a path toward healing and liberation.

Tune in to this transformative episode as Tilly Storm and Dr. Stephanie explore the intricacies of overcoming religious shame and moving towards a more fulfilling, authentic life.

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Transcript

Speaker: [00:00:00] You are listening to the Evolve Your Intimacy podcast with Dr. Stephanie, where it is my goal to educate, enlighten, and evolve your intimacy. You can find me at evolveyourintimacy. com to learn more about counseling, self study courses, sex, and the retreats that we have to offer. This show contains discussions about relationships, intimacy, and sex, and is meant for those who are 18 years and older.

Now, sit back, relax, listen up, and get ready to evolve your intimacy. Welcome to a profound and insightful episode of our podcast, Evolve Your Intimacy with Dr. Stephanie. Today, I am honored to sit down with the remarkable Tilly Storm as she graciously Tilly's story mostly opens up about her deeply personal journey with religious shame and guilt surrounding sex and sexuality during her upbringing.

In this candid conversation, Tilly courageously shares her experiences and [00:01:00] reflections on navigating the complexities of reconciling one's religious beliefs with personal values and desires in the realm of sex and sexuality. Through her vulnerability and resilience, Tilly sheds light on the impact of religious conditioning on one's sense of self worth.

Identity. Freedom of expression. Join us as we explore this delicate yet important topic with empathy, understanding, and a commitment to fostering open dialogue and healing. Through Tilly's story, we aim to provide a platform for reflection, Growth and ultimately empowerment for those who have grappled with similar challenges.

So sit back, open your heart and mind and join us on this journey of introspection and enlightenment. But first we have to hear a message from our sponsors. Do you want to be on a ship with over six million? Thousand wild and naked friends, drop an anchor in exotic countries. Explore all the sexiness the world has to offer.[00:02:00] 

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com backslash cruises. I can't wait to see you there. You are listening to the evolve your intimacy podcast with Dr. Stephanie and I am Dr. Stephanie. Now let's get back to the show. Hi, welcome to the show. Hi, Stephanie. So good to be 

Speaker 2: here. 

Speaker: I am so excited to have you. What have, what have you been up to lately?

Well, you've been up to a lot. And, um, tell our listeners a little bit about who you are. I've been on your show, but tell them about who you are and, uh, what, what brings you to my world? 

Speaker 2: Yeah, well, [00:03:00] I am a holistic sex and intimacy coach and I'm a homeschooling mama of three. Two teenagers, they're 14 and 16 and we're living in Florida, living that beach life, going surfing when we can.

Yeah. Well, what we have coming up now is the three day pleasure challenge. And it's for women who have received a lot of negative conditioning around pleasure and sexuality. Like we all did, no matter where you're from or where in the world you are. Um, Uh, we all kind of got that pleasure negative programming and the three [00:04:00] day pleasure challenge is about stopping to pretend like your pleasure doesn't matter because I'm sick of it.

I'm sick of women pretending like it doesn't matter. And that is the last thing on their to list that maybe they'll go to when everything else is checked off the box. So that's what we have coming up October 9th through 11th, 2024. 

Speaker: And so what 

Speaker 2: can people expect on that? Yeah, I'm going to be taking women through the exact somatic and nervous system rewiring practices that are required in order for you to learn how to get out of your head, be in your body, to be more present with yourself so we can begin to work through some of the hangups that we come around when women don't experience a lot of pleasure in sex.

Or they feel numb and disconnected, or they're just so far removed from who they are as a sexual woman because they had babies or they just went through menopause. And we want to work through this. So I'm going to be giving y'all the [00:05:00] exact practices that you really need to be doing on a regular basis to work through that.

Speaker: So talk to me a little bit about why do you feel like women's pleasure is so overlooked? And just second, Tossed to the side like second gum 

Speaker 2: Well, it's in our conditioning to think that pleasure is for someone else This is across the board. I have a quiz that women take I've had thousands of women Take this pleasure assessment quiz and when I look at the answers, it's really Startling.

Um, I ask, what did you learn about the women in your family about pleasure? And the most common answer is nothing. Wow. And the second most common one is that, uh, it's for someone else. 

Speaker: So they're saying that pleasure is for others, just not themselves. 

Speaker 2: Yes, exactly. Um, [00:06:00] and it, I mean, we can't not mention the fact that modern science is completely, completely Not where it needs to be, or could be, or should be in terms of understanding women's sexuality.

Um, I mean, it's, it's hard to study it because of our 28 day cycle. So I understand why it's difficult, but I mean, come on, like we've made so many other innovations in science. Like why can't we spend money to figure out women's pleasure for goodness sake. So, I mean, if that doesn't tell you anything about how it's, it's That's apparently just not important to people, then I don't know what does.

Well I 

Speaker: will share that the very first 3D model of the clitoris was not even made until 2005. So we didn't even know the depth, the, the structure of the clitoris until 2005. That was when the first MRI. So it just blows my [00:07:00] mind. If that would have been a penis, they would have known all about it. We can tell y'all about the testicles, but because it's ours and I know that's a very terrible way to look at it, but you know, I know guys, it's, it's, it's not the best way, but dammit, if it was testicles, we'd already known about it.

So I digress. So I want to talk to you today about. Religious shame and guilt and your experience with that. Similar, you're, you live in Florida. I'm from east Texas and I have interviewed lots of people. I've got to work with lots of people. I'm licensed in Florida, so I work with lots of Floridians and most of us Southerners, Have some sort of religious shame and guilt that we struggle with when it comes to sexuality.

I know I had it, and it took me years to overcome, and I still battle it to this day. How did your upbringing and religious background shape your personality? Early perceptions of guilt and shame surrounding [00:08:00] sexuality. 

Speaker 2: Yeah. Well, I'll start by saying I'm actually from a very small town in Louisiana. It's 45 minutes North.

It's even more. So it's 45 minutes North of New Orleans. And, um, my, Parents were Southern Baptist, hardcore. We went to church three times a week, twice on Sundays, once on Wednesdays. And that was literally our life growing up. And I remember when I was six years old, I was walking out of the bathroom with a towel around me.

And I remember my parents being in the living room and they could see me walking into my bedroom and they fussed at me. For not getting dressed before I got out of the bathroom. And that was a very defining moment because apparently that was the moment that in my head, I must've put two and two together that the body is something to be ashamed of.

And [00:09:00] maybe it's not something that we should look at with awe and wonder. Maybe it's something that we should feel bad about. It didn't occur to me until after I had my first baby, when I was about 27 years old, that maybe some of the heavy religious shame and the purity culture was huge in the church that I grew up in.

Um, maybe that had something to do with why my experience of pleasure wasn't what I knew it could be. Number one, and I could only have an orgasm in one way and it was Hard to get there. Um, so when I started looking at those things and questioning, I began to put two and two together. I'm like, Oh, maybe it has something to do with how it's raised.

Well, it turns out it's certainly freaking dead. So

Speaker: It's interesting that you were six when that happened. I have always raised my children in a very open sex positive. Like we talk about it, we, [00:10:00] it's just not one of those subjects that have been hidden. I've also been very open with, you know, Loving yourself or loving your body, self love, all of that stuff.

There's, you know, don't be ashamed of it. But there was a very distinctive time when my, my daughter, I don't know what it was. I mean, it was just a switch. Like one day I could go into the bathroom with her and, you know, get ready while she was showering. And then the very next day, I, it was, Sincerely a day.

It was like, mom, don't look at me. Don't look. I was like, but I, I'm not what, like, it just blew my mind. Like she wouldn't let me even come into the back. Mom, I'm in here. And so do you feel like that religious shit? And I've never tried to put that on her for me personally. But do you feel like society doesn't in general, 

Speaker 2: I think the messages come from all over the place, for sure.

I mean, where you get it from, yeah. It doesn't really matter other than the fact that you have that. But I think that a lot of it derives from religious [00:11:00] conditioning. I think socially it's less common for it to derive from like a social conditioning aspect, but definitely religious conditioning, at least if it's from a very puritanical religion where, Modesty is a higher value and you know, you have to, you're, you're the reason that men lust over you, you know, like these sorts of messages are very damaging to women's experience of their own sexuality because it makes us shut it down because we don't feel like it's safe.

Speaker: I know exactly how purity culture affected me. Talk to me about your experience with purity culture. 

Speaker 2: Oh my gosh. Well, first of all, I will say that I moved out when I was 18. I graduated high school. My birthday was April of that year. About a month and a half after I graduated, I had saved up every penny I made working at a coffee shop.

I [00:12:00] had 2, 500 to my name and I flew the coop. Like no one believed me that I was going to leave. Um, I immediately packed my car right after graduation ceremony, like packed the car and drove it to Denver, Colorado. I was out. Yes, because my. Upbringing was so confining. My mom was also, now that I look back on it, I realized she was actually going through menopause and having a really hard time with it.

I didn't know that then, but I do now. And she was a little cuckoo crazy for a little while. So the way that she reacted to my first boyfriend, my first love, it was like. It was over the top crazy. Like I could sit here and tell you some stories. Like she, she sent me to therapy, tried to tell me I was crazy for falling in love with someone at 17, you know, like just absolutely insane anyway.

So all [00:13:00] of that, like totally pushed me to leave. And, um, when I left, I immediately met my kid's dad as soon as I got to Denver. And the thing with the conditioning was that my thinking, not even conscious of it, was that in order for sex to be okay, I have to marry this guy. So I did. And. That was my first marriage.

Um, and it was so toxic. It was so Obviously when you're 20 years old and you get married to someone who's 25 I think he was at the time like you don't know who you are. I had no idea who I was at the time I just knew that I Was it? What my parents raised me to be. And I needed to figure that out on my own, but yeah, I ended up in a really toxic relationship.

Um, and then eventually [00:14:00] getting pregnant when I was 22 had my first baby when I was 23 and Ended up wanting to separate, moved out, found out I was pregnant three weeks after I moved out with my second one, and then tried to try and make it work thing for about six months after he was born, which obviously didn't work.

So it led me into some really, never really does. Yeah, it led me into really terrible relationship patterns, and eventually I had to look at, you know, why do I keep going into a relationship to try and discover who I am. Um, so that was something else later on down the road that I had to look at. But yeah, a lot of it was sourced and started from a lot of the religious conditioning that I had growing up.

Speaker: Well, I want to actually go into a little bit. Of that direction, because I [00:15:00] think we, as women, especially our age group, have all experienced some sort of purity culture type mentality, regardless of where you are. I think it was just one of those cultural time things in our past that just kind of is there.

And. So many of us struggle with how to get out of it. So how you said, you know, later on in life, I had to look at myself and I was going through these damaging relationships. I've went personally one damaging relationship after another. And, you know, I know a lot of that is to do with my fixer up personality.

Like I think I can save everybody. And that comes from me being the only girl out of six brothers and, you know, just all kinds of fun stuff. Religious shame, religious guilt. I know that I've had to do that work, but tell me your story about the work you did. 

Speaker 2: Oh my gosh. Well, it started when I was 27 and I was married for the [00:16:00] second time.

I had gotten divorced when I was like, I just turned 26 and then I was about 27 and a half. When I got married for the second time and in that relationship, it seemed amazing at first. And it was a really fantastic relationship except that he had one problem. He was an addict. He was an alcoholic and he hit it really, really well.

And it didn't come to light until six years later when. Um, everything fell to the ground and he got a DUI and, uh, ran into someone's car and they pressed charges on him. And my whole life was ruined in an instant, literally everything I had built for six years with him, my entire life was then, uh, financially, it.

me into like the worst scenario you could imagine. [00:17:00] Um, I immediately had became a single mom of two kids again. And that is when I really had to start peeling back the layers of relationship. And why do I keep choosing men that don't have their shit together? Why do I keep choosing men who can't provide and support?

Um, and before that it was, around my sexuality, peeling back the layers of why did I feel so uncomfortable in my body? Why did I, why was I only able to orgasm in one way? Why was it difficult to orgasm? Why did it take so long? There were many layers. It wasn't something that I did in six months or a year, it spanned the time of about 27 and a half to the time I was about 36, that's like eight and a half, nine years said that my journey was going on.

And [00:18:00] it started with the sexuality stuff, discovering the JDAG practice. It's an ancient Dallas practice. I studied with a Tantra teacher. Um, I began to really commit myself. to those practices and it. Changed my experience of pleasure and orgasm. I was able to become multi orgasmic, have cervical G spot a spot, orgasms, energy full body.

All of them, like all of the orgasms once I started to really work with a J DEC and open up my energy body, which was an amazing experience. But again, It wasn't until the ending of my second marriage that I had to look at the relationship stuff. And all of that, I really worked through with a trauma resolution coach who was very much specialized in working with the nervous system and the fine tuning adjustments and, you know, all of the inner child stories that we have.

So it was [00:19:00] going to the depths of my soul, uh, to really peel back the onion on why did I keep choosing men who just did stupid things, who couldn't show up, who couldn't provide in the way that I wanted. And, you know, that just had addictive personalities, all of those things. And it all had to do with.

It's my relationship with men in the masculine, which eventually I healed and it took two and a half years of deep diving into the somatic world and my unconscious mind to really rewire what I was even attracted to, who I was attracted to, the type of person I was attracted to before I met my partner that I've been with for four years now.

Speaker: What were some of the big aha moments for you about how your past influenced your present choices in men? 

Speaker 2: Yeah, um, aha moments [00:20:00] were that I kept Making men responsible for the thing that, for the things that I wanted in life, right? I didn't have any agency. I think part of the religious programming that didn't serve me and my, it might serve some women, I'm not here to say that it's not uncertain to everybody, but for me, it didn't help that I had this unconscious idea that I could just.

Make men responsible for everything, for my pleasure, or giving me what I wanted in life. And in a way it disempowered me and made me stay in those relationships for far longer than I should have. Um, even after the drunk driving accident with the second husband, I still stayed for a year. And tried to figure it out and make it work.

And it didn't, it just kept getting worse. Uh, so I see now looking back how [00:21:00] I gave a lot of my power away to men. Um, when I, if I had had a more mature and developed masculine internally, um, I wouldn't have sought the need. For them to have to provide for me in certain ways to give me what I thought I wanted at the time that if I had been more conscious, self aware and more empowered in my own self, that as far as my pleasure goes, um, I wouldn't have.

Needed that from them and it was one of the reasons that I stayed because the sex was really great especially the second relationship So yeah It took really empowering myself to break free of thinking that someone had to give that to me when in actuality I was capable of giving that to myself 

Speaker: there are so many women that I work with who stay in toxic relationships because the sex is so good and Yes [00:22:00] I want them to be able to do that for themselves.

And so some of the classes I teach guided masturbation for women, uh, pleasuring the Pearl, all of those things are, you know, directly targeted for self pleasure and finding out what we like and how we like it. Because if we can't pleasure ourselves, how can we expect someone else to know how to do it? We just can't lay down there and be like, okay, figure this shit out.

And then expect to have, you know, So it's, even though the sex is really good with a toxic partner, it's okay to, because we start thinking, Oh, I'm never going to get this again. I don't know why we do that. Cause my second husband was like that. The sex was phenomenal. And I stayed in because I was just like, well, I'm never going to find this again.

Yes, you will ladies. Yes, you will. And it'll be better the next time because you're going to work on yourself. And in those processes, And in that discovery time about yourself, you really have to [00:23:00] look at why. You keep attracting the type of person you're attracting, male or female, and what they bring compared to what you bring.

And you'll find that you bring so much more to the table than what you're attracting. And, you know, talk to me about how, how do you feel that plays into your choices when you are choosing a new partner? We're having such a great conversation with our guests today, but we have to take a really quick commercial break.

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You are listening to the Evolve Your Intimacy podcast with Dr. Stephanie, and I am Dr. Stephanie. Now let's get back to the show. 

Speaker 2: Well, that was so, it was so different. My dating experiences before were more out of desperation. I'm a very sexual person. Sex drive is very high. I've always been the higher desire partner in my relationships.

And, uh, when it came to dating, it was challenging for me to not lead with that. And I didn't want to lead with that because I knew that I wouldn't attract someone who was like relationship worthy. If I was leading with that and an actuality as women, you don't want to, because. Um, yeah, I mean, when I met my partner now, I didn't feel butterflies.

I didn't get excited [00:26:00] the first or the second time that I was on a date with him, but he was so kind and so nice and I felt really cared for. And he was pleasant to be around. And usually by two dates, I would have just been like, Nope, not for me. Um, so I went on a third date and then finally something changed and shifted for me.

And I actually. Started to develop attraction for him. And previously that's something that I never would have stuck around for. And I think that when we're really looking for the right partner, that that attraction, it takes time to build for a lot of women that it's not going to be. Butterflies right off the bat, like it was for my previous two relationships that did not work out.

So yes, I had to learn to stop chasing after that. It is very addicting. It's very fun and exciting to feel that way. But is it really worth the pain in the end? Because [00:27:00] a lot of times that feeling doesn't. Lead to a good match when it comes to a relationship and I was looking for a good relationship match and that's exactly what I got

Speaker: Feel like hello. There we go Do you feel like women are so conditioned to just take what's given to us? Instead of having the autonomy to 

Speaker 2: choose Absolutely, I especially in today's day and age. I think women have this It's the most terrible, I mean, honestly, I think dating is the worst that it's ever been in terms of like the quality of the, I cannot imagine trying to date in today's day and age.

I mean, I did four years ago and it was bad back then, but like it's only gotten worse. Um, yeah, I think that women's attitudes towards men and men's attitudes towards women, the war of the sexes is worse than it's ever been. I think that women are [00:28:00] expecting the sun, the stars, the moon and Mars. And they need to stop with that because that's not every man makes six figures in a six foot three.

Um, you know, it's just ridiculous, the expectations and they're not willing to accept a really good, hardworking man who wants to provide for you, um, and have babies with you who might make 60, 000 and not 160, 000. You know, like it's just ridiculous. Um, so. Yeah, I think that finding love right now is very challenging, and men are terrified of being seen as someone who isn't respectful of women.

Um, I work with a men's dating coach, and I provide sexuality coaching sessions for men, so I know what they go through very, very intimately, and it's so sad. to watch and to see what their exact fears are. And I really, really [00:29:00] empathize with them because it is very challenging in today's day and age. 

Speaker: When it falls back on religious conditioning, do you feel like that impacts how they're being treated?

And what they're going through the men. 

Speaker 2: I don't know that that's a lot of religious conditioning as it is like a cultural phenomenon. Um, you know, we have, we live in like an only fans culture where women want to, I don't know, we, we just swung from one way to the other. We had feminism and then we've had the complete feminism backlash going on.

So you've got women who are strong, independent, empowered, don't need no man. And then on the other side, you've got like, Homesteaders who just want to have a man who works and they just want to stay at home and have babies and then cook. So there's like these two extremes going on and the OnlyFans culture is like somewhere over here where they just want to be taken care of by daddy.

And it's what's on TikTok. It's what's on the [00:30:00] social media. And young girls these days have a lot of friends who have 20 something year old Daughters right now and I know many of them that do that and they're making great money, you know And it's just interesting because like I don't know how that's going to set them up for an actual real relationship in the future I don't know like I don't have judgment about it.

But like if you actually want a relationship I don't know like it's it's again and very interesting unprecedented times We live in when it comes to love and relationship. I don't know that has anything to do with religion I think it's just The culture is really interesting right now. 

Speaker: I think that we're trying to shift away from the religion that we're taking it to such an extreme measure.

Like we're going to the opposite end of, and like you said, we have the homesteaders. I, you know, I I've seen the tick talk with the ballerina lady who's She's a homesteader and she had the chance to, [00:31:00] she was at Julliard and now she dances on her farm and she seems happy enough, but society can't stand the fact that she's not dancing at Julliard and doing her life.

The way she, you know, and she has eight kids and how dare her, you know, submit to a man, but she's happy. And you know, it's, you Why does Merle get to tell her how to be happy? And then again, we have the other end of the pendulum where we have, you know, young girls, twenties, I'm going to say 21 to 25, who are looking for sugar daddies and who are sugar babies.

Not going to lie if I had known about that when I was in my twenties, maybe, I mean, cause hell, I don't know. But I didn't and thank God internet and all of that stuff wasn't as prevalent as it is today because Lord knows I'd have been in some trouble. I just was not smart with, with my, in my twenties. I just wasn't hell.

I'm, I'm working on it now in my late 50 or forties. [00:32:00] So, You know, it's definitely a shift, but I, I, it is such an interesting times, man, it's interesting when it comes to dating. 

Speaker 2: I understand. I, I mean, that's what happens when you have repression and when there's an undercurrent of shame that infiltrates society when it comes to sexuality is eventually they rebel just like I did.

And I left my parents house and was like, screw you guys. Y'all are insane. Um, yeah, I rebelled. I was a rebellious person because of the extreme shame and the, what do you call it, just the coddling, uh, that I had growing up, like I wanted to be free. And yeah, that's, yeah. That's how we go to extremes and society.

And it, in a way, a lot of it does stem from shame. And if you, if you picked that [00:33:00] up from religion, then yeah, it is part of why the pendulum swings one way to the other so hard and why it has right now in particular, because we did reach an, what do you call it? Um, the. The top of feminism where women started to realize, Oh, maybe I don't actually get fulfillment from being able to do everything.

Maybe actually it leads me to burnout. And that's why I'm so stressed out and unhappy with my life. Because for a lot of them, that is their truth. And also, you know, we have this whole new movement that we were talking about where. Women are just like, just take care of me and let me get married and have babies and cook for you and I'll be happy.

And that's awesome too, but yeah, like, where's the middle ground here? I don't know. I don't know when we're going to get there, but I do know that it will level out once we eradicate a lot of the undercurrent of shame that is in our [00:34:00] culture for people's preferences in the first place. 

Speaker: You are. So I want to revisit your seminar and you talk about how we can help women recapture, reclaim their pleasure.

And you talk a lot about the somatic areas of it. Can you tell us what that is and how that, how that helps alleviate some of the stress and trauma and bullshit that we carry in our bodies? 

Speaker 2: Yeah, for sure. Well, a lot of the work that is done in therapy, I mean, you're a doctor and I'm sure you work at many different levels, but obviously, um, cognitive behavioral therapy works for some people.

It doesn't work for other people. And when we're talking about Um, women's pleasure and orgasm, sexual trauma, or abuse, things like this. This all gets wired and [00:35:00] the body. And it's not something that you can actually think your way through. It's not something that you can talk your way through. You have to feel your way through it.

And the somatic coaching and somatic experiencing in particular, um, that was all kind of derived from Peter Levine. Um, that style of. Healing modality and coaching is all about going into the body layer to look at what is the body still holding on to in terms of the traumas or the conditioning that you experience that isn't serving your polar desire.

And semantics just means body based. It's about going into the body. To utilize the sensations of the body to tap into what does the primal brain, the unconscious brain actually believe? Because we can sit here and tell ourselves all day until we're blue in the face, all of the affirmations about how we're worthy of pleasure.

[00:36:00] And How, you know, we should be able to have all of the orgasms or, you know, experience total freedom in the bedroom. But at the end of the day, if you're not experiencing that, that's because your unconscious mind is not on board with that belief. And the only way to really get to that unconscious belief and shift it.

Is to go into the body to feel it, to heal it. And that's what somatic coaching is about. 

Speaker: I, I like to say it's about sitting in the suck. 

Speaker 2: Yeah, a little bit, but it's also beautiful. It is like going on a plant Madison. Oh, it's very beautiful. Yeah. It's like going on a plant medicine journey without the Madison.

Um, it sometimes. It really, really works for people. I have had a couple of clients where it's not what they needed. And it's been interesting to see in years of doing this, why it works for some people and why for some people it [00:37:00] doesn't really resonate with them. Some people really do resonate with more of the erotic blueprints style coaching or talking things out.

Um, but when there's a lot of. negative programming that we get to unwind or abuse that we want to work through. The somatic is where I see is such a great fit for people because it is going to the level of the mind to heal what needs to be healed. 

Speaker: When you say it works for some, and it's interesting that it doesn't for others, what does that mean in terms of how it could look for you?

You know, just for someone listening, they're like, what do you mean it could work for some and not others? 

Speaker 2: Well, I think everyone's body mind is different. Everyone, their nervous system is wired different. They have different patterns. They, some people will be much more in fight and flight and some more in freeze and fawn.

[00:38:00] Um, so our nervous system will respond to negative conditioning or trauma. Via a hyper arousal state or hypo arousal state and I find that the somatic stuff Really really supports women who go into the freezing fawn at an incredible level and women who are in that fight I find this a lot more difficult.

It's much more difficult. And I don't think they're really ready for that. Um, I think at some point they could be, that's just my own ache of working with hundreds of clients over eight years is that women who are in fight, I do not attract many of them, to be honest with you, every now and then I'll get some, and we'll have to really feel it out, whether or not they're ready for the type of coaching that I provide.

But a lot of times it's not the best fit. For them right now, uh, why I can't really explain that to be honest with you. I just know that I've tried and women who are in that fight state, they have such a hard time just getting in their [00:39:00] body. Cause there's so hardcore, like staying in their head and staying out of it.

That it's. Such a base level that we have to start with. And it's kind of boring for me, to be honest. So, you know, like I, and that in cases like that, I'd rather someone go see a cognitive behavioral therapist or someone that can work with them, working with it on more of that cortical thinking mind, which is fine.

Um, and then maybe later, you know, we can revisit that, but yeah, I think. People are just different and everyone responds differently to types of therapies and healing modalities. So there's no one size fits all or pill here. 

Speaker: That is so true. So I'm going to ask the ultimate question for all of the ladies listening.

How can we begin to move through the religious, the religious conditioning and shame and become a multi orgasmic goddess? That's what I want to know. Let's just [00:40:00] remind everyone that this is Evolve Your Intimacy and I am Dr. Stephanie from Evolve Your Intimacy. We are having an amazing discussion, but we need to take a quick break.

So stay right there and we'll be right back. Not quite ready for sex therapy, but you still have questions about sex, relationships, and intimacy? See? Join me on the first Thursday of every month at 7 p. m. Central Standard Time on sdc. com for a free question and answer session where I answer all of your questions about your specific intimacy needs.

If you're not part of the SDC community, no worries, we've got your back. Go evolveyourintimacy. com, click on the fun tab, go to the dating sites, and join SDC for free. I look forward to seeing you and your partner at the next live question and answer with Dr. Stephanie on SDC. com. You are listening to the Evolve Your Intimacy [00:41:00] podcast with Dr.

Stephanie and I am Dr. Stephanie. Now let's get back to the show. You are listening to the Evolve Your Intimacy podcast with Dr. Stephanie and I am Dr. Stephanie. Now let's get back to the show.

Speaker 2: Yeah, for sure. Well, you can, you want to look at it from two ways. There's a top down approach and a bottom up approach. And like I was just sharing, there's a difference between the somatic and the talking it through. The talking it through is more of the top down like. Let's go to the brain, see what the stories are, see how we can write a new narrative around our pleasure and our sexuality, um, that has its place.

But, at the same time, it's not going to really stick until you have an unconscious mind. That can hold that level of pleasure. So if you don't feel it's safe to have the pleasure that you want, you're not going to have it. So [00:42:00] that's where the semantic part comes in and practices like the jade egg practice.

Can you tell us what that is? You've said that twice now and I just. It caught me this time. So what is that? Yeah, for sure. It's actually an egg shaped stem that you use internally in your vaginal canal. Uh, you can use Benoit balls. Some people are like, Oh, it's not safe. Blah, blah, blah, whatever. We can sit there and debate that till we're blue in the face together if you want.

Um, I'm up for that. Um, if you're like, no, I'm only going to use silicone. Sure. Go get silicone. It works the same. So anyway, you just use an egg shaped stone or silicone ball inside your vaginal canal. You need to do different squeezes and releases and breathwork practices with it, because it has a way of helping you build sensate focus.

And working through religious conditioning is important. If you're not getting any results from a traditional therapy route, that's because that programming is literally wired in your tissues, the tissues of your vagina, [00:43:00] your cervix, your deep vaginal canal, all of that is like a sponge up in there. And it does absorb all of those messages.

If we have negative ones in there, we want to go and dearmor the vagina. We want to work through that to move the stuck and stagnant emotions through the body. So the JDIG practice is literally An ancient practice from China, from traditional Chinese medicine, tradition that the courtesans used, uh, it was derived about 1500 years ago.

Uh, so they only taught it to like the courtesans and high priestesses of the time to keep them sexually vibrant and alive as they aged. And the practice has been modified for modern women since about 40 years ago. Via Mantak Chia, who's actually a man who passed down the practice. So we, we have modified it for women.

I mean, it was a man who taught it. So [00:44:00] obviously there's like a disconnect there. Um, but through a lot of the early teachers that started teaching the practice. To people like me, um, they definitely took what was taught from him and modified it for modern women's issues like lack of sensitization or numbness or being totally disconnected from your vagina.

Uh, so when you use an actual thing, like, a glass dildo or a jade egg or whatever, you're literally signaling to your mind, Hey, this is important. We need to pay attention. If a lot, a lot of my ladies are like, I want to learn how to have an orgasm for penetration. I'm kind of tired of my clitoral orgasm.

That's fine. Like, yes, we can help you awaken that ability, but it's going to require you doing something other than touching your clitoris. Like you actually have to activate the Parts of the vaginal canal that are going to [00:45:00] elicit a vaginal orgasm. So it's one of the reasons that I use it because I do have a lot of women that want that experience.

Uh, and it is one of the quickest ways, at least for me, it only took me two months to go from not hardly being able to experience any pleasure to becoming multi orgasmic, having like 10, 20, 30 orgasms in a sexual session and only being able to have clitoral orgasms to like all of them. So you know, there's a lot of possibility there.

Speaker: You said it took two months. Can you kind of walk us through a little about what it looked like for you to go through that? Okay. For me, I'm sitting here thinking, I mean, I know what it is, but in my head, I'm thinking like a listener and you're just sitting around with a glass dildo up you and you're like, woo.

So talk to us about the mental connection to it and all of that. 

Speaker 2: Yeah, well, a lot of it is. Building sensate focus, which is the ability to actually feel what's in your vagina and where [00:46:00] you feel it. And most of us are conditioned to experience pleasure from something outside of us, from porn, from a visual stimuli, from a fantasy that we elicit in our head, something like that.

And there's nothing wrong with that, but sometimes it can actually be a block to more pleasure. If you were to use the body. Pleasure. And the JEDEC has this way of helping you to connect more deeply with the sensations you're actually feeling in your body without having to elicit some sort of fantasy or visual stimuli to get turned on.

Um, so what it actually looks like if you've ever done yoga, have you done yoga before to practice yoga? Yeah. Okay. Um, have you ever been to like a yen class? a yin yoga 

Speaker: class? I have not. I've been to heated yoga and I've been to regular, and then I have my yoga trapeze. That's about the best of my yoga ability.

Okay. 

Speaker 2: A yin yoga class is very slow. Um, meaning [00:47:00] that they'll hold a posture for like one to five minutes. So an asana will be held for a really long time. And when you hold the posture that long, it actually allows the fascia to release tension and Charge and shock and your muscle tissue and the jade egg practice.

It looks like you're doing maybe a yen yoga practice. Um, you know, you, you're butterflying the legs open and closed. You're doing bridge position. Um, so it kind of like from the outside looking in, if someone were to look at someone doing a jade egg practice, it would look like they're doing a very slow yoga practice.

If that makes sense. 

Speaker: Okay. And how would, when you say the glass dildo, how can they incorporate that to feel internally, I guess, things that they've never felt before? Yeah. I absolutely 

Speaker 2: love the glass dildo. It's I do too. [00:48:00] I don't know. I think I might like it more than the jade egg. And I think it may have even had a bigger, uh, a bigger impact on my ability to have internal vaginal orgasms.

From my, a spot, from my cervix and my GS spot. Um, so you can use a glass dildo or stone dildo to deamer the cervix and the GS spot in the a spot. And what that means is just simply taking the glass dildo into a point of pressure where there might be pain or numbness or something that feels a little bit off, and literally just holding it there for a minute, two minutes, three minutes until there's some sort of somatic release.

And. That process is the process that allows the shit to move through your body. The programming, the conditioning, these stored and trapped emotions. Um, the dearmoring processes are what [00:49:00] make it possible for you to have the capacity for pleasure. There is no capacity for pleasure. If all there is is numbness or.

You know, there's just a bunch of pain. So when you move through that and literally discharge the shock from the muscle tissue itself, then it's like available for pleasure. And that was definitely my experience. And it did not take long. It didn't take long. Did you take care? Did you do that in your self pleasuring time?

Both. So I was learning the jade egg practice and doing a lot of the healing practices with it. But also I was learning Tantra with my partner and we learned pussy and penis massage. And it was a combination, uh, with the jade egg. I definitely experienced. Um, new levels of pleasure, new sensation that I never had before, but also my second husband, he definitely activated things in [00:50:00] me that I didn't know were possible either, um, through the pussy massage that you learn when you learn Tantra with me.

But anyway, uh, so there, there's all sorts of. amazing orgasmic experiences available that only become available for some people when you really work with the stone in the glass dildo or the jade egg. Some people are just sexual superstars and they can figure it out without doing all of this. Some people aren't.

Speaker: I know. I get to work with a lot of those. So, you know, I go, I don't know if you know this, but I go on the bliss cruise. Um, I go all over the world, but my big, big events is we get 6, 000 swingers on a cruise ship and we go have a great time, but there's lots of great classes that they offer. I mean, I teach 15, no, I think 20 of the classes on the ship.

And one of the classes is pleasuring the pearl, pleasuring the penis, but I do one called guided masturbation for women. And it's just allowing them to really feel. And I. I think I want to incorporate some glass [00:51:00] dildos into that because I think that's going to be the key. Now that you said that, I kept thinking there's something I'm missing with this class because it works and all of the ladies, they love it, but I just felt like there was something missing from it.

And I think when you said that, I automatically grabbed my paper and wrote it down and I was like, that's what I've been missing. Is that letting go that somatic piece where we're connecting, but we're not letting go of that, that trauma that's there. And I think, so thank you. You just like. Completed my whole course that I've been struggling with like what's missing and you just did it for me.

So thanks. 

Speaker 2: All 

Speaker: right good 

Speaker 2: amazing 

Speaker: So I know that you teach lots of classes, so tell our listeners about the classes you teach and you know what they can expect if they want to work with you. 

Speaker 2: Yeah. Um, I don't actually teach a class. What I do is they offer a group coaching program for women or a private couples coaching experience.

So, um, my sex goddess program is for women who want to experience more [00:52:00] pleasure. They're, they're, Um, so ambitious, you've probably hit a level of success in your life because you're so, are you are so ambitious that you're probably in a burnout or overwhelmed place now, and you know that there's gotta be another way to live your life.

And one that doesn't put your pleasure last on that to do list. So Liz X Goddess program is for women who want to come home to their body. They want to learn to live life another way. That's not about chasing another. They want Accolade or more letters behind their name. Um, that it's more about recognizing that, yeah, like what I consider success now is being able to slow down and enjoy my life and actually enjoy all of the amazing things that I've created for myself.

Because what's the fucking point of creating it all and spinning your wheels, hustling your life away if you don't even know how to enjoy it. But sadly that's what most women do. So that's what [00:53:00] I do. And then I have a couples program for people who are really struggling with communication and sexual creativity and want to explore that together.

Speaker: I love that. I, and I love how you just said couples, uh, sexual creativity. So many times, I get to work with, you know, I, there's differences between a sex therapist and a sex coach. Um, sex therapist, We, like, I'm a certified sex therapist, I have licenses in four states, that's my jam, like, we have to go deep in there, where you go to the body, like you just said, with, like, a glass dildo, and we release that somatic pressure, well, when you can't let go of that, like you said earlier, You need to come see me because there's something in there that's blocking and we need to release that right?

Because it's there, you can do it and it's either mental or you know, you're, you're holding on to some sort of trauma and I get to go really deep. So I always joke and say that [00:54:00] my men only come to therapy when they need it. with me when their dick quits working and all of a sudden they're like, Oh, you know, they've gone to the urologist.

Yeah, you're fine. Here's all the pills. The pills aren't working. And then the urologist says, Hey, you need to see a therapist. And they're like, well, why I'm fine. So they come and they're like, yeah, it's not working. And I asked a few basic questions and then the floodgates open. And I'm like, well, no wonder it's not working.

You have PTSD or you have all this repressed trauma. Let's talk about that. And when we start letting that out, Within a matter of weeks, they're like, Oh my God, my dick works again. I'm like, yeah, imagine that it's, it's crazy how your brain controls that. And then as a coach, you get to work a little bit more on the fun stuff, like the sexual, um, chemistry, uh, the gosh, I mean all the fun stuff, chemist, not chemistry.

What you just said earlier, what was the word you said? 

Speaker 2: Yeah. I mean, I definitely do the drama work, too, especially with my women, but with [00:55:00] my couples. That's not where we're going. Yeah. It's much more about like, you literally have 10 sex date nights that are guided for you to try all of the different flavors of sexuality together and expand your repertoire of the things that you like and don't like, and to pick up the pieces that really worked for you and incorporate them into your, uh, on a day to day basis and leave the rest that you didn't like, or that didn't work for you.

So, yeah, it's much more exploring your erotic languages and how to actually feel comfortable talking about sex and get on the same page about talking about sex. Yeah, 

Speaker: absolutely. And I, there are so many great people that. Offer wonderful services and to anybody listening, you, there is somebody out there for you.

If you feel like you don't connect with a therapist or you don't connect with this person or that person, don't stop. Don't stop looking for somebody [00:56:00] you connect with because they're out there and you will be able to heal. So many times clients come to me and they're like, you're my fifth counselor I've been to.

I'm, you know, I'm burned out. I'm tired of therapy. It doesn't work, yada, yada, yada, but I have to come because this, that, or the other. And, They, they connect with me and they're like, Oh, well, this wasn't like therapy in the past. Well, no, because you connected with me and that's the whole point. You found somebody you connect with and whether it be a therapist, a coach, um, whether it's CBT, somatic, what you need is out there, but you have to really just search for it.

It's a, you have to advocate for what you need based off of, unfortunately, the trauma you received as a child. 

Speaker 2: Yeah, for sure. I totally agree with you there. I'm not for everyone. I can guarantee you that, but 

Speaker: me neither. And I tell everybody that from the very, like my opening speech is hi, I'm Dr. Stephanie.

I'm a reality based therapist. I tell you what you need to hear, not necessarily what you want to hear. And I'm not for [00:57:00] everybody. That's okay. I cuss. If that bothers you, let me know. Same. And I get it. You know, the, the whole thing is, is there's somebody out there and you don't have to live in this feeling that you're living in.

If you don't want to, and there's, there's help out there. And so one of the things that I pride myself in is creating a community and you're part of the community of, of helpers, of, holistic practices that can help release whatever you need to have released in your body. So tell my listeners how they can find you.

Speaker 2: Yeah, you can go to tillystorm. com or you can go to the multi orgasmic millionaire podcast. Uh, that's been around for, Almost eight years now. So, yeah, 

Speaker: it's been around for a while. All of that will also be, um, posted in our show notes for you to see and how to get ahold of Tilly. Um, Tilly, what is your best parting advice that you want our listeners to walk away [00:58:00] with?

Speaker 2: To stop thinking that your pleasure is an afterthought or that it's frivolous. If you're a woman, then it actually is important and it is the key to your thriving. If you're not thriving, if you're not enjoying your life, it's because you're not putting it on the priorities that you have. You're not putting it on that list and if you want to thrive, you must.

That is beautiful. And thank you. 

Speaker: One more time. Tell them about your pleasure challenge because I don't want them to forget about that. 

Speaker 2: Yeah. The three day pleasure challenge is for women only and it's going down October 9th, 10th and 11th of 2024. Um, 45 minutes each day. You can get the replies if you can't show up live.

Speaker: Ah, it's going to be lovely. And you can find all of that in the show notes and on my website or in the newsletter. Make sure that you are checking that out. Guys, I want to encourage you to have a beautiful rest of your day or evening, whatever time you're listening to this. And remember to stay healthy, [00:59:00] stay vibrant, and always, always advocate for the sex you want to have.

Until next time. Thanks, guys. Awesome. All right. Wow. Okay. I appreciate you. I'm just trying to stop the recording because, there we go. Um, but yeah, so I will thank you for taking time out of your busy day to listen to my show. I am Dr. Stephanie with evolve your intimacy and remember you are not in this alone and we are definitely here to help.

You can learn more about all the amazing things that we do at evolve your intimacy. com and if you subscribe to our newsletter, you will receive free resources monthly to help you evolve your intimacy. Thank you again and have a great night.