Naughty N'awlins Survival Guide: What Every Couple Needs to Know Before They Go

Naughty N'awlins is one of the largest lifestyle events in the world, attracting thousands of people seeking connection, exploration, education, and adventure. But before you pack your costumes and head to New Orleans, there are some conversations every couple should have first.

In this episode of Evolve Your Intimacy, Dr. Stephanie Sigler, Licensed Professional Counselor, Certified Sex Therapist, and Clinical Sexologist, shares a practical guide for navigating Naughty N'awlins and other lifestyle events with confidence, communication, and connection.

You'll learn:

• How to determine if you're attending for the right reasons
• Why lifestyle events often amplify existing relationship dynamics
• The difference between boundaries, agreements, and rules
• How to use a Relationship Contract to prevent misunderstandings
• What every couple should discuss before arriving
• How to manage jealousy, insecurity, and comparison
• The importance of consent culture and lifestyle etiquette
• How to handle rejection without taking it personally
• Why privacy, discretion, and reputation matter in the lifestyle community
• The emotional aftermath many couples experience—and how to navigate it together

Whether you're attending Naughty N'awlins for the first time, you're a seasoned lifestyle veteran, or you're simply curious about alternative relationship dynamics, this episode will help you approach the experience with greater awareness, emotional safety, and intentionality.

Because the most successful couples aren't the ones with the fewest fears—they're the ones willing to have the conversations that matter most.

To learn more about Dr. Stephanie's workshops, counseling services, online courses, and educational resources, visit EvolveYourIntimacy.com.

Until then, stay curious, stay connected, and keep evolving your intimacy.

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Transcript

 welcome back to Evolve Your Intimacy the podcast where we talk honestly about love sex connection and communication Also the emotional patterns shaping your most intimate relationships I'm Dr Stephanie licensed professional counselor certified sex therapist and clinical sexologist and also the founder of Evolve Your Intimacy So whether you're monogamous exploring ethical nonmonogamy active in the lifestyle maybe you're kinky some curiosity or simply just interested in strengthening your relationship this show is designed to help you navigate intimacy with confidence honesty and connection Today's episode's a little bit different We're talking about the largest event in the world when it comes to swingers events and that's Naughty New Orleans Every year thousands of people travel to New Orleans seeking adventure some excitement connection exploration education and sometimes even a little bit of chaos It can get chaotic there And while many people spend months planning their outfits booking their hotel rooms and deciding which parties they want to attend very few actually spend time preparing what matters most and that's the impact it can have on their relationship Because Naughty N'Awlins isn't just a vacation it's a relationship amplifier And today we're gonna walk you through everything I believe couples should know before they go This episode is brought to you by Evolve Your Intimacy If you're interested in learning more about communication kink ethical nonmonogamy sexual confidence or creating deeper intimacy in your relationship Check out the workshops and my online courses and the educational resources available at evolveyourintimacycom From Your Brain to BDSM and Fighting Fair in Alternative Relationships So visit evolveyourintimacycom to learn more Now let's get back to the show imagine this you've arrived you're in the hotel lobby Everybody looks confident everyone looks attractive and people are dressed in all kinds of ways that you've never seen before Your partner is excited you're excited then someone starts flirting with your spouse and sometimes your stomach tightens because you thought you'd be fine You thought that you had planned it all out but suddenly you're not Maybe you see something that makes you uncomfortable Maybe you discover a fantasy it's about learning how you and your partner handle vulnerability excitement attraction insecurity boundaries and trust So the very first thing I want us to talk about Shane is the common misconceptions about Naughty Because your first time at Naughty was this past year Mmhmm And it was Well tell me when you first walked in that hotel the first day kind of tell me what you what you thought My Disney princess moment When I could just spin around and look at everybody Yeah costumes fantastic Everybody was great walking in at first of course we walked into basically a work convention Mmhmm I mean we were in full setup normal daytoday but the fun was in kinda as that day went on Yeah we'd get done with the work and you see people starting to arrive early and whatnot too and so many different costumes so many different themes It's New Orleans so it'll let you be what you want Um and and I think a lot of the feedback that we kinda got was Mmhmm Well I don't know we're new here and everyone's a swinger Like there was a a rep Ranking system and whatnot I think was kind of the the biggest misconception so to speak Yeah And I'm glad you said a ranking system Mmhmm because there's a lot of times that people are like Oh well I don't know if I'm a swinger Let's define what a swinger is first Fair enough A swinger let's talk about it on a spectrum So we have the full swap probably go spend the night with your boyfriend girlfriend and then we have the people who are dipping a toe in it So there's this big huge spectrum that you can fall on and it doesn't matter if you're a nudist or if you're a full swap couple you are in the lifestyle The lifestyle is anything that is not heterosexual monogamous Now there are heterosexual monogamous couples that are kinky Welcome to the lifestyle There are heterosexual monogamous couples who are in the lifestyle and we call those vanilla swingers and they love the environment They love the excitement the costumes the people they get to meet but they unless all the stars align they don't wanna swap Right And that's perfect and you have value in this community and we really need you in the community so you're a swinger too So the one of the biggest misconceptions is that naughty is all about it's it's all about sex and it's just a bunch of swingers coming together and we're just having sex everywhere Well I think it's like anywhere else The sex is anywhere you you make it Mmhmm I mean it's so much more than that so much more the connections the people the groups opportunities to go and learn things that you may or may not have had any interest in but at least you know peek your head in the class and the door Yeah and this that and the other Talk to a friend or somebody that came out of that or a new acquaintance and whatnot too and see And it's It's kind of a freedom to to feel the way that you you wanna feel But in those moments no like I said it's it's not a you're forced to this or feel that or other pressure of that too And and as far as you know there was a lot of observing going on Yeah A lot not not voyeurism but just observing just from a distance and just I mean it's a lot like some of the people on the street that weren't a part of the event that were there Yeah when it kinda gets out on the street So it was it was interesting Huge gap There is a huge gap And so there this is an educational opportunity Honestly Naughty was founded was founded because there was a gap in the education they really wanted to educate people about swinging and consent and now we're moving into some kinky stuff that we're we're educating the world about But it's the largest event and it's grown into taking over complete takeover of three huge hotels in Mmhmm New Orleans So this is a this is an event This is an experience let's talk about who attends So we have swingers We have those who are ethically nonmonogamous whatever that might mean to you we have the BDSM and kink community that has really expanded and the the dungeon was excellent last year I can't wait to see it this year We Huge last year Oh yeah yeah by comparison from the the talks from before but we get to see quite a few dungeons and that was I mean it was done very well That one was done well Very well There are nudists that might be there There's the vanilla swingers We have newcomers who just wanna kinda check it out But the thing I'm excited about and not because I am one but the sex educators So there's so many professionals that attend this conference and you have the opportunity to sit down with us and talk to us and learn from us And I get to learn from them and that's what's so exciting for me because I learn just as much from my colleagues as I do from a textbook because it it's just invaluable information Let's talk about what happens there So there are the workshops Tons of work goes into these workshops If you get the opportunity if it's your first time going do not miss those chances Some are paid some are free but find some time to fit that in because a lot of that builds into the experience It really does And I think it just improves the overall vibe Yeah And then the pool parties Of course we have pool parties and because it's a hotel takeover we have a little bit more freedom than just a regular hotel so we can be topless at the pool I we don't encourage sexual activity at the pool but you might see some That's all I can say I don't I mean who am I I am not the the pool police I just enjoy the pool And then we have the theme nights and what I love about theme nights is we get to be kids again We get to plan your costume go through pick it out and this year it's we have the Naughty Bordella Really confused about what I'm gonna do there we've got some ideas but It's a tough one That is a tough one There's gonna be a lot of themes for that too Yeah cause it can be anything And then we have Down the Looking Glass Through the Rabbit Hole which you know a play off of that movie with that we love that I can't mention but you know what I'm talking about And we have Glow Night Glow Night is one of our personal favorites Yeah It's just amazing Glow Night's always a blast no matter what Yeah yeah And then the on the last night we have the Mardi Gras theme Mmhmm So we're gonna have some cool costumes for that as well But you get to create this They also have day themes but and the day themes we highly encourage you to be part of that We don't take part of that because I I we're teaching classes We don't get to as much and so you'll see me Mmhmm running between sessions I'm not teaching as many this year as I have in the past so we're gonna be able to enjoy a little bit more But I'm gonna bring in some jerseys What are you talking about Yeah I saw the themes I'll get some daytime worked in It'll be fun So he'll dress up and I'll be I'll be dressed up too but in my teaching outfits So there's also play spaces So there are places there's an actual huge dungeon where you can go and learn and there's dungeon masters there There's other professionals who know exactly what to do with the weird and odd things that you'll see there I think when we first walked in I've seen a lot I've seen a lot of contraptions in my in my travels with my job When we walked into naughty last year there was something I had never seen before and I was like Ah wow and it was pretty cool We didn't get to play with it but remember we sat and we watched Mmhmm some friends of ours really play and it was just it's beautiful And that's another thing is that you may not know how to use it but you are welcome to sit and watch Or ask and talk As far as questions and that's where the shops and classrooms come in If you can do that obviously in the dungeon we want to give people those quiet respect and within their scenes But so many opportunities to find out about that prior to going in Yeah You know I always encourage people go and observe Sit in silence observe and then the next day go and maybe take some of those questions or how you felt and what you learned and take it into a workshop Some of the the greatest people that do this are right there and the information that's at your fingertips it's like spring training It is And not only do we have the dungeon we also have the play spaces And the play spaces we have couples only play spaces where you can go in there and you can play on a bed and you can hear other people We have play spaces where you can go have an orgy We have play spaces where it's the the plus one room We have the hot wife room It's an experience and the beautiful thing is you can go and watch and never ever ever swap You can go and watch and learn and never ever touch another person other than your partner and that's acceptable Why do you wanna go So it is very important for you to understand your why because if you understand your why that's gonna solve a lot of problems in the possibility of jealousy in the end I think Mmhmm It's gonna solve a lot of problems Now I will tell you that at least one couple every event I'm at one couple will come up to me and a partner will tell me I didn't even know what this was I didn't know where Right I was going My partner just they just booked it and here we are And all of a sudden What a terrible tactic guys Yeah don't do that Don't do never ends well It never does Never ends well In every event I have that And so if you come up to me and you're like I don't know why I'm here My partner brought me here I'm so scared it it really happens unfortunately And so let's talk about why you're there with your partner before And so when I brought you I you're just you are such a You're just ready to carry all the stuff and kind of just just stay You are such a trooper You're like Okay we're gonna do this I don't know where I'm going but okay It was last minute It was it was And so talk about with your partner your why why you're going Is it for education Is it for to try to swap you know try it out Is it to learn about kink What is it that you want to do and why are you there What are you hoping happens Are you hoping that you guys full swap or soft swap Or what are you hoping that you meet new friends or what do you wanna learn What do you want to happen there And what are you afraid that might happen That's another one that people need to talk about Because if you don't talk about what you're afraid of when it does happen you melt down And yes I am a licensed professional counselor and yes I am there and I get to work with people who have been overstimulated or overwhelmed and may be having some emotional reactions to it And I again I love that part of the things the service that I get to offer but every time I ask Well what did you hope would happen They can't answer that So think about it What do you want to happen And are you trying to fix a struggling relationship Because if you are this is not the event for you This is an event for couples who have had the conversations who are strong in their relationship and want to explore more They want to enhance the relationship This is not something that you go into thinking that it's gonna fix if you're having those issues with your relationship maybe this is not something you need to do Maybe you need to reach out to me and we can work through navigating through the lifestyle But um Relatio okay I do wanna say this lifestyle events don't create relationship problems but they are exposed during these dynamics So if you have a crack in your foundation and you haven't talked about it it can get pretty dicey sometimes So before you go I want you to talk about your trust issues your insecurities your jealousy and communication challenges and that's gonna move us into one of the things that I've created is a relationship contract for specifically for couples going to these events And so one section asks couples just to discuss what they're comfortable with why we like to do this is because it's going to pr well we're setting those boundaries and we're we're talking about everything So one section in this document is the who section Who are we okay playing with Right And if you're not asking do we want couples only do we want a hot wife do we want a single man who are we comfortable playing with this contract goes through all of that Are there any gender preferences Do the degree of fa familiarity do you want a friend or do you want strange how do you want to navigate this do you want people your age or are you comfortable with people younger Because there's people from all ages that go to these events And so many relationship injuries really occur because this conversation has never happened Right so Pregaming We're pregaming I mean it's you wanna you wanna make sure though that you do have just a solid foundation I think there's a lot of the what we're you're talking about hits points before there's anything Mmhmm I think it's just in the flirt stage Yeah And that's where we tend to I've noticed see kinda a lot of that form that tension and that cloud and you know I just kinda dance into it and annoy everybody with it to rake it up But that's I think you see a lot of that there I think after it's with proper conversation I think it starts to to get a little bit better but Mmhmm and it's it's the Super Bowl It's not everybody's there for the game don't get me wrong but there's so much more that you can do Yeah I mean it's there's so much more so make sure that you talk about who you're comfortable with meaning if you don't want your partner with a blonde woman and there are people who are who who say that I don't want you with a blonde woman I don't want you with a younger woman that's fine We'll talk about boundaries here in a minute and that's one of your boundaries And we're gonna talk about how to agree and what happens if you don't agree But you have to really talk about it and some people are like I don't care Whoever you want to and that's wonderful until you stumble upon something Let's talk about the what What are you comfortable with He went to Naughty with me for the first time this past year and honestly we were so busy and it was so much that we didn't even have the opportunity to play So we played in the dungeon I guess we did Yeah We got a couple of nights to play in the dungeon but it wasn't you know Right fullon Yeah sex fest like some people think it's gonna be And so what are we what are you comfortable with What are we comfortable with So are you comfortable with your partner flirting dancing socializing Are you comfortable with your partner touching kissing that erotic touch Maybe are you comfortable with oral sex or do you just want to stay away from that altogether Penetration toy play role play So let's kind of work through for us what do you think that you're comfortable Well you have to be comfortable with you when it comes to touching you or you would be mute Me You can't speak without touching I can't I talk a lot with my hands That's right Mmhmm Okay But I don't touch you inappropriately No one knows I mean No I don't just walk up to you and grab your breast and be like Aah No It goes it goes like that Who does that Bl bl bl bl bl bl what the contract also asks couples to discuss those specific activities and it ranges from flirting to the sensual touch to various forms of sexual activity right And you're gonna call it out with your partner Mm and you have to get a yes or a no This is not something where you're like Eh If it's an eh it's a no Mmhmm Because if it's not an enthusiastic Hell yeah it's a no Would you agree I agree 100 with that Mmhmm some things that you can say yes to with conditions Yes I I'm I'm cool with you f you know swapping but I want it to be same room I want us to be same bed I want us to you know make sure that I can hear you I can touch you Maybe it's I'm cool with that but maybe not on this first trip Be honest with your partner What are you comfortable with And then you design the trip around that I think that that's a critical piece that so many people miss because they think Oh we're just gonna go and it's gonna be fun and then they experience things that they probably weren't ready for and put themselves in situations that they hadn't discussed with their partners Right It happens before And that's when the breakdown happens before they have the conversation They're having it after the fact rather Than before and I think that's the biggest improvement that can be made in everybody's trust Yeah Cause that's just a vibe everybody feeds on It d it really is and you can tell the couples who have talked about it and the couples who didn't talk about it Right before 100 because the couples who did talk about it even if they do have a little bit of an upset in their relationship they repair it quickly Those who haven't talked about it they don't repair quickly and you'll see some couples that'll fight and argue and if you do just tell you know tell them Come to me I don't know I mean it's it's they they didn't talk about things before a or maybe a boundary was broke and so you know it's it's all about that conversation Yeah somewhere between jealousy and trust Yeah is what it comes down to right there too and I think you see a lot more trust And you see the seasoned side of of New Orleans a lot too and a lot of those couples play the hall monitor You know what I mean Mmhmm Kinda step in when they have to and whatnot and then and chaperone it unofficially but it and it helps Yeah It really does They And there's security there and there's you know therapists there Yeah and there's room hall monitors room monitors So if you're going into play rooms there's people there There's dungeon masters This is not a place like a freeforall Yeah you're not it's not a grope fest or this that and the other No So another part of the contract talks about um the agree uh s th another part of the contract talks about permission notification or a veto agreement And so a permissionbased thing is I would go to Shane and I'm like Hey I think soandso over there is really sexy Are you cool if I go play with them And he has the ability to say yes or no based off of what we've agreed to based off of what he feels in the moment and if it's a permissionbased whatever he says I don't get to whine about it I don't get to throw a fit and Oh but I really want to If he says no or if he comes to me and I say no then that's a no and that's something we can discuss when we are away from the convention and we are not halfnaked standing in a room looking at a lot of people right Those are conversations that if you say something or if you have something that you really want to try and your partner's not comfortable with it put it write it down put it in your bank in your head and then talk about it afterwards Right and one thing you're always saying No is a complete sentence Mmhmm To the rest of the guys out there do not follow that with Why Yeah But why Just throwing that out there Yeah And so Please Yeah The notification type is I would go play and then find him afterwards and say Hey or he would go play and find me afterwards and say Hey I just did this and it was really awesome And some couples do that and then there's the veto The veto is an absolute You know what I I see where you're going with this but I'm calling I'm saying no I'm saying if you I you may have played with that partner last night but I'm not comfortable play with you playing with them tonight so it's a no So I vetoed that So ask your partner Are we on a permission base Are we on a notification base or a veto Like w how how does that look And we want to make sure that there's no assumptions there's no misunderstandings and there's no Oh well I thought Of course that's a doomsday statement the I thought Oh yeah that I thought I thought you would be okay with that We didn't clarify Yeah And so again clarify what system you and your partner are using before and that's all in the contract And um y the contract is gonna be um The contract is connected to the show notes so you can just log in Shit The contract is in the show notes so make sure you take a look at it You can print it off You can also get it off my website evolveyourintimacycom now Let's talk about some boundaries agreements and rules So boundaries I'm gonna let you kind of de What's boundaries rules and agreements for me I I I call it raising the bar He calls it I don't take my bra off right now He takes he doesn't take his bra off So raising the bar for me is boundaries agreements and rules He doesn't take his bra off is boundaries rules and agreements So however you wanna go Or hers Now talk to us about what you think and your definition of a boundary is boundaries are for me Mmhmm So early on boundaries I was kissing That was a that was a thing Love Visual for a minute Yeah not long but for a second Yeah Yeah You know early on It was it it was tough It could be anything Yeah and then of course I mean it comes with the territory I mean to not to take that from anyone but Yeah that's your thing for me that was at the very beginning Mmhmm That was kind of a boundary thing So the boundaries are there to protect you and your Right cause it wasn't about you Yeah But I mean obviously in that regard but it was to it was a protection thing for me just some whatever Mmhmm past trauma to And that's okay that moment or just a vibe you know I think that that was kinda it but we went into that with that Yeah and it wasn't something that I questioned because I had agreed and that's where the agreement comes in that the agreement is for us So if his boundary in the moment for that event was no kissing then I agreed that I wasn't going to kiss anybody and that was just if you're we're gonna be together you're gonna uphold my your boundaries and I'm gonna uphold mine but we're gonna agree to do it together So when a rule is broken these are the agreed upon things that you've already talked about So I'm gonna give an example for a condom example So let's say that any partner that we play with besides each other we wear condoms with Right Mmhmm And so let's say that I had a play partner so that's any partner that plays with me they all agree to wear condoms So I have a partner who comes to me and say Hey you know what I played it wasn't with my primary partner I didn't wear a condom Okay wonderful So they broke the agreement they made with me and the rule then is You're gonna need to bring me a clear SDI STI I test I have to say that fast after three months so I can see that you're clean and then we'll play again the rule doesn't have to be a punitive Oh I'm never playing with you again but it has to be something And for me and or for us it's if you don't use a condom we're not gonna play with you again until you give us a clean STI test And an agreement that everyone agreed to and then our rules if it's broken So make sure that you have yours What are you comfortable with What are you not comfortable with And then you have to be honest You can't say Ah I might be comfortable with this because that Eh I might be comfortable with this is going to get you in a situation that's not going to be comfortable in the end Right And readdress them cause boundaries change over time for people Like I said ours have Mmhmm two or three in different orders They grow You grow Yeah you grow and as a couple you do too And I think that ours kind of Fluctuate between the connection versus strange Yeah yeah It really does Huge on that Mmhmm We we're not really into the strange We love a good connection Yep And that connection I mean for us it's about spending time with them and it's about just that vibe So yeah we don't really You have to have two sets cause the strange happens fast It I mean it happens fast It does You're in it before you know it Sometimes you are You trip and fall No pun intended I would admit like that You trip and fall right in the situation Yeah Then yeah So what happens when we break a rule So again this is where the conflict plan comes into play So how how do we signal distress So you can be playing with your part I have a story about this So I have a a couple that I worked with several years ago and she they came into therapy and it was a f a boundary bra a they broke a boundary during play and she was so mad And she kept saying Listen I was trying to get him to stop I was I needed I needed a break He wasn't listening to me And of course she wasn't saying Hey I need a break She was pulling on his big toe She was pulling on this man's big toe She goes And the only way I could get him to pay attention to me was when I pulled his toe so hard I thought I broke it And she like bent it and it popped and so that time he was like Ah what's going on But she could not get his attention until that happened So some people are not comfortable with saying Hey I need a break or This isn't for me right now And you can be playing and I want to tell you you could be midthrust and if someone says Hey I need to stop Stop everything stops That it doesn't matter We're not gonna finish We're gonna stop because something has happened and it's okay I always encourage people to say you know Hey I need a break or I need some water if you need to speak to your spouse you can say Hey can you run to the restroom with me I need some help Anything if you're not comfortable saying no but figure that out what you're going to signal to your partner that you're in distress before you get there before you play so that you're not getting upset when something happens and no one's paying attention to you Ours is lowkey I like to use the word stop or Hey you know what I need a break I'm really big on saying you know I just need to get some water because I I don't know I mean sometimes it's just my ADHD unfortunately I lose interest and it's not the partners that we're with it's just I'm ready to move on Get overstimulated Mmhmm Just everything going on Yeah so h if someone wants to leave how are we gonna say that Are we gonna look at our watch If we're talking to a couple and you're not feeling it how are you going to tell your partner I'm not feeling it without just coming out and saying Hey you know what I'm not attracted to you two so we're gonna go over here and talk to another couple It's all about being nice but it's also being able to say You know what guys I think we're gonna go talk to some other couples It was so nice to meet you Politely saying no How do you politely say no At Naughty it's a huge thing because there's gonna be so many people there who are not your flavor and that's okay And so if someone approaches you and they're like Hey baby and you're like Eh I'm not really feeling that it's okay to just 100 say Hey you know what I appreciate you coming over and saying hi I'm gonna go join my friends I'll catch up with you later And you will If you're doing it right you're gonna run Mmhmm into these same people so it's it's best to be cool and most people are cool Mmhmm It's just we all see the some of the touchyfeely sometimes happens Yeah Happens anywhere It does It's and it's not it's just how to handle Yeah I think is the the best thing for it You know it's not a How to communicate it with your partner that you weren't comfortable with it without break With a smile Yeah without breaking down without throwing a fit without screaming and crying Because here's the thing you agreed hopefully and I say that gingerly that you agreed with your partner to be put in this environment You agreed to come here You agreed to go and learn and to be part of this world So don't be mad at your partner if something happens and you hadn't discussed it Because again you d you agreed to be there You agreed that there were going to be things that you were going to see and do that you've not never done before And so if something happens that you're not comfortable with it's your responsibility to say I'm not comfortable doing that I wasn't comfortable with this I think we need to stop And that's okay So my my favorite thing is the best time to create an emergency plan is way before the emergency ever comes Agreed So And stick to it best you can Mmhmm It's like a tornado drill Well and also if you agree on something and you get there and something changes we don't change it at that event We make a note of it and we say Hey you know what I thought I know I had previously said I didn't I'm gonna use the kissing example I know I previously said there was no kissing but man there was this one girl or this one guy I really wanted to kiss Okay he didn't kiss her I didn't kiss him but what happens is we talked about it It didn't happen at that event but the next event we might say You know what I think I'm I'm I'm I'm cool with you kissing people now And that's growth in the lifestyle And so some people may never change and they may never experience that growth and that's okay But there are those who who grow after after we leave We don't do it at that event because our contract is set But after we leave you can definitely renegotiate it Sure Jealousy is not a negative emotion and most people treat it as if it is something terrible and they break down They feel like they've been violated because something this unspoken boundary was crossed or something to that effect jealousy one partner might get more attention So unfortunately y one y your partner might be the hot one and you're the not one and that's okay too But again reevaluate why you're jealous Are you jealous because you're not getting the attention that they are Great Why are you taking it out on them You have to talk about and look in inside Okay so jealousy is something that happens to everybody It's a a natural emotion but it's how you handle it that makes jealousy different So if somebody is If you get triggered or you feel jealousy you need to look inside What about that made me jealous What about that specific thing am I upset about And talk to your partner about it You know what I didn't know that when I saw you kiss this girl it was gonna make me feel this way but it did make me feel that way and I felt a little jealous about that Right And I'm not coming to him going What the fuck did you do that for Why Why would you do that You know and and throwing up a big fit and my hands and walking off I'm saying You know what That affected me in a way I didn't expect and so can we talk about that And that's an indication that we need to leave that environment and we need to go talk I feel like jealousy is we're not trying to eliminate it we're trying to grow from it Well the biggest thing like in the example you used I didn't know it was gonna make me feel that way Yeah Like I was okay with it until I didn't realize Yeah I wasn't okay with it and that's that's processing Mmhmm Like I said and that's and you do wanna talk about it And not in an angry way Yeah But yeah And it takes practice You you weren't taught how to communicate effectively in middle school That I you weren't taught how You weren't given a handbook when you got married or started dating this person about all of their triggers And so there's things about your partner that you don't know and that's where communication comes in I always say If my vanilla couples could communicate as much as my lifestyle couples the world would be a better place Absolutely I also wanna talk about trying there's so much to do there at at Naughty You're not going to be able to do it all and that's okay That's why you come back the next year There's gonna be a lot of things that you wanna decide on Are we going to this party or that party Cause there is something at every hour going on and you're gonna get decision de decision fatigue That is really hard to say decision fatigue You'll also be physically exhausted so it's okay to take a nap It's okay to rest It's okay to go to bed early We went to bed early one night You guys north of the MasonDixon Line let me help you out okay Humidity's this thing here that when you breathe it in humidities You'll never forget it You're gonna wanna hydrate Mmhmm You're gonna wanna prehydrate Yeah You're gonna stay hydrated and that's just with the weather So You're gonna get tired and you're gonna have to take care of yourself you're gonna be socially exhausted Your social battery is going to tap out One of the things is you're staying at the hotel that the actual event is at It's 247 It it one of the three hotels I mean it's 247 at all three of them Mmhmm And so there's a lot to do and it's okay to go to your room and shut the door Mmhmm It's okay to take a break It's okay to leave the hotel and go do something else to get away from that environment If you are socially exhausted take a break Absolutely Mmhmm And the last one is the emotional overload You're going to experience things that you've never experienced before You're going to see things that you've never seen before And if you're not emotionally prepared for that and you're not talking to your partner and exploring what they thought how you felt it gets exhausting And you will get overwhelmed and quite frankly that causes a lot of fights between couples is that emotional overload The Dungeon So and at The Dungeon there is the aftercare room and the aftercare room is a quiet space where you can go and just be with your partner You can go get water You can go They have these really great beanbags You can go just snuggle up on a beanbag But the beauty of it is is no one's going to talk to you No one's going to come over and try to help you or hur or hurt you or whatever They're coming over to say you you're gonna be with your partner who is giving you the aftercare and it's a great place for you just to kind of emotionally relax Absolutely Mmhmm If you don't know and you see us find us there Yeah I mean ask anything Ask me anything If I don't have the answer I'll get it for you So my next topic is huge and my next topic is about consent consent is something that Naughty is built on And so anybody who's gonna go to Naughty before you go you have to complete your consent survey And the consent survey is just kinda going over what it means what the protocols are If you have a consent violation how to report it because we do have therapists We have doctors We have security on staff that will respond within five minutes if you report a s a consent violation And you can do that several different ways We have it on our apps We have QR codes all over You you have people attendants everywhere You can find someone to report that to And consent is we're going to ask first I don't care if you played with this couple the night before you don't get to walk up to them and just smack them on the ass grab a boob or you know just assume that you're going to play again That's not how this works Consent is for that specific event and I can take consent away midthrust If I don't want to and I'm done I can say I'm done and everything stops And so respecting that no no is a complete sentence No is a a 100 complete sentence And so if you don't want it you can say no There's absolutely no pressure for you to do anything If you don't want to do it don't do it Well and on the consent side of it too I think most people are are very respectful And a lot a lot of it's that kind of that lingering dibs Mmhmm Oh you know we did this at this event and this event and this event There you are and walk over and you don't know their situation or your s Mmhmm And maybe you do but I think in this situation what you're talking about There's some places it's tough Yeah You see a lot of that right at the beginning Mmhmm opening days Well and you might have played with them and I love that you said that You might have played with them at a previous event That does not give you an open invitation to play with them Right that they want you at this event So reestablishing that consent and and the boundaries because I may have had surgery and I don't want you doing this move on me Exactly because it hurts And so reestablishing those boundaries is critical too Rejection there rejection is normal Rejection but you're not going to be everybody's flavor and that's okay There is something there for everybody There's like 5000 people there 5000 people There is something for everyone But don't assume that everyone wants you Right Rejection isn't personal and it we That that really creates a safe environment No We are going to do a complete a whole episode on consent and so that one will be next So make sure that you check that out because we are going to talk about all the ways that consent can be broken I do want to say that if you are with somebody and they have been drinking or they are on drugs they cannot give you consent period So if you're with somebody and they are extremely drunk they can't give you consent and so that you can get in trouble for that if they feel like they've been violated Use your words people Use your words Yeah absolutely Another big thing is consent goes into photos You are gonna look great You're gonna look amazing Everybody's gonna look awesome but you need to make sure that you have consent to take pictures of people because a lot of people are not out We are forwardfacing There are so many couples who are not out and so if you don't ask for consent to take a picture and then post it on social media you may be outing somebody and that can get into a lot of trouble And so make sure that you are upholding that consent to take pictures or making sure that there's no one behind you You know you'll have a big group and maybe you'll angle yourself in a way that there's no one behind you there's lots of photo opportunities all over at Naughty They make sure of that So get your group together and go to one of those instead of you know taking it in the ballroom or something Sure We also have to remember that as a community you're representing a community not just yourself So there are times that consent might be violated There are times that things might happen unintentionally and that's okay but you have to report it and we have to educate those people Because I don't feel like this is a place for predators at all but someone might accidentally cross a boundary with you or do something that you're not comfortable with and maybe you don't feel comfortable telling them But if you don't tell them they never learn and they never grow So I don't want you to assume that they were just trying to be dirty or trying to be nasty or Oh they were trying to push me to do things They may not have known and so being able to say no and say You know what Let me educate you on something Let me educate you on consent And there are people from all over the world Absolutely at this so there are cultural differences and some things that that you'll notice and see and approaches and whatnot too that may be taken by one person a little bit differently than another Mmhmm And I think we saw quite a bit of that Yeah in that regard so you kinda have to take it in stride You do Like I said you really do I don't think anybody's really out for it like I said but you're always prepared Mmhmm that doesn't mean you put your guard down too No absolutely not And and again remember that they may not be from the same community environment that you are and that educational space We are there to educate others We are not there to be punitive in any way unless they need that right But most of the time it's we can just educate and they understand They're like Oh my gosh I didn't know And Right you know then then there's that clarification and you feel better because you spoke up for yourself They feel better because they don't ever wanna do that again And then you guys can walk away with a great experience instead of something that could have turned negative pretty quickly Mmhmm One of the elements that not many people talk about is after the event So after the event you have this emotional hangover You are riding a high for the entire time you are there You are elevated because of the environment You are sexually charged You are visually stimulated There's so many different types of music It it's just it's it's everything and you're you're riding this high the excitement But when you go home there's what we call a con drop and so this is when your energy drops and everything kind of finds its baseline again And sometimes postevent feelings are excitement Like Oh my God we did this Can you believe it Yes Sometimes it's sadness Oh man I really liked it I wish we were doing it again Or you know maybe sometimes it's relief Like Whew we did that I don't ever wanna do that again unfortunately sometimes you you might have tried something you didn't like so there might be a little regret there and that's okay too but you have to talk about it This is what brings you to to a deeper connection is when you have those feelings you talk about it with your partner And after you have to process together Like what did you like about it You sit down with your partner and you ask What didn't you like about it What is something maybe you wanna try differently next year Is there something that maybe you thought you wanted to do but we had on our contract that you didn't that we wouldn't do it so now do you wanna renegotiate that What did you learn What are you taking away All of these are great questions that you talk about when you're driving home when you're flying home when you get home and everything is starting to calm back down Allow time to process Oh 100 with that So You don't have to play with another person or another couple to benefit from Naughty There is so much there There are like I said and we said earlier we have the dungeon we have classes we have takeovers we have ballrooms There's just so much There's as many people there to observe watch hang for the vibe the spirit Mmhmm the freedom Yeah and embrace our event I mean what next door last year what did we have We had the Blind Convention in town We did have the Blind Convention next door I thought that was amazing Naughty right here the Blind Convention there Yeah I was like that's one hell of a Yeah scheduler for the city right awesome if you're going to schedule a convention with a bunch of swingers who are walking around halfnaked blind people aren't gonna be offended I thought it was check mate It was just fantastic scheduling However that worked out I would own it Yeah Even if it was by accident Yeah But but there's all to say there's a lot of different events down there that are going on too Mmhmm in the city So you have that as well and it's and it's just that vibe There's as many people there just for that Yeah Or the food or to hang or whatever But To each their own right Yes And I do want to point out that our security does not allow people in the hotel unless you have the badge Right so random people cannot walk in off the streets into the hotel There's security everywhere and so it's you know that's comforting to a lot of people as well So when you get home and you're talking about all all of this maybe you talk about Well you know what next year I would like to dress a little bit more sexy or Next year I wanna try this and that's all part of it coming down And so this will increase your communication with your partner if you allow it It will increase the intimacy if you allow it it expands your trust hopefully if we have those boundaries agreements and rules set and we adhere to those And even if we do break a boundary by accident we talk about it and we repair quickly and we talk about how we can move forward without falling down that rabbit hole of Oh shit we're go we're done We've gotta leave type thing Success is not measured by what you do Success is measured by how you connect and how you remain connected to your partner when you're at Naughty Or in an event I agree Okay So You're on a roll man I am So let's talk about the weekly relationship challenge So this week I want you to fantasize and have what I like to call the fantasy and fear conversation with your partner And a fantasy and fear conversation is what excites me most about going to Naughty what scares the shit out of me for this event what support might I need what would make this even more successful for us What would help me feel chosen and connected while we're there Those are the kind of conversations that I want you to have as well as that relationship contract for Naughty New Orleans that you can get in the show notes or off of our website So again we all know that this is extremely overwhelming We all know that this can cause people's feelings to be hurt miscommunication It can cause so much but you have to have that that conversation and that communication with your partner before during and after So before I do the closing what's your best piece of Naughty advice plan for everything man But from a scheduling standpoint kind of zoom out look we've got three different hotels this year Yeah I mean and they're what books so I think we said last night They're they're it's we're sold out We went to our meeting last night and they said we're sold out So I would say give yourself the opportunity First off beautiful hotels if you haven't been there It's just the architecture of the city itself But in these particular hotels it's fantastic Mmhmm It really is Find out lay it out with your partner what are we interested in What are we not interested in Mmhmm Kind of rule some things out too And what what are we curious about I mean what do we what do we wanna see And see kind of the layouts If you don't know and you wanted some advice as far as some of the presenters that we've had the opportunity to work alongside and Yeah get to know and see their work shoot us a message text let us know I mean we can kinda guide you in those directions Or reach out to Dr Stephanie and just tell her Hey my partner's kinda into X Y and Z We're looking at this What advice And see if they can't help in doing that So there's there's just a ton of amazing educators and presenters at this for everybody too So while we don't yuck anybody's yum at the same time go and and and sit through Yeah Ask some questions Ask the questions Or listen to others ask Chances are if you're there someone's gonna ask a question you want to and you'll see just how easy that is And there's no dumb questions and I say that 100 because we are about educating and we are about teaching different things that you never learned in school You never learned this shit so why not ask And come with an open mind But again recognize your limits and know your limits So was there anything shocking for you at Naughty No It it To me Mmhmm No at that point not at all Yeah I loved I mean shocking on the glorious side of it Yeah as far as like the square footage the use of space the people Mmhmm Things of that nature The products the the the podcasters that were there From the vendors Yeah Yeah so much from a podcast standpoint was out there too Great just It's a great community everyone I mean it was just the who's who Yeah I mean you you see you saw everyone everyone we talk to on a regular basis And everything And it's like a reunion and everything is so easy but it's everybody's so friendly Like you're not gonna walk up to somebody that you've been a podcaster and they're not gonna be like Oh uhuh No they're like Hey how are you doing Oh my gosh Thank you for listening and and so excited about seeing you Right And and make those connections as early on because when you go to the big things the glow parties and I mean and you'll you know Dan will DJ Like those things you're gonna Yeah have everybody at them anyway The big draws too so it's nice to kinda have some cliques within the clique to see that stuff too But find some time within during the day especially to work some of the workshops in Yeah Or ask questions or reach out Marina is Easy to to approach the headmistress of Naughty is Marina and she's amazing And she is on her game at all times Oh So if you ask her the question whether she can probably give you three options to answer your question Yeah within and tell you how many steps away you are from it Yeah So it's really laid out fantastic Well guys Naughty New Orleans isn't really about sex It's about communication It's about trust It's about that vulnerability It's about discovering whether you and your partner can stay connected while navigating that uncertainty that excitement those attractions that insecurity and man that fantasy and desire right The couples who thrive aren't necessarily the ones who are most experienced We've worked with ones who have years of experience and they never really set their boundaries agreements and rules and so they get into these environments and it's it's tough for them And some of the most successful couples I've worked with and have met are the ones who talked about this before and they're newbies They're the couples who communicate the best honestly They're the couples who discuss the uncomfortable things before the problems arise They're the couples who remember that no adventure is more important than the relationship they came there to protect Thank you guys for spending some time with us today and if you find this episode helpful please share it with someone who's considering attending a lifestyle event like Naughty Leave us a review and visit evolveyourintimacycom for additional resources workshops counseling service tools Everything you need is on that website For you to be able to build healthier relationships with your partner But until next time stay curious stay connected and keep evolving your intimacy Thanks guys